Frugal Tactics
What exactly frugal means and how it applies to life is as individual to a person as the hairs on their head. This includes, not being frugal at all. My definition is using money to a, ensure needs are taken care of, b, having adequate savings to weather a storm, and c, direct a portion to things that bring me and others added comfort and maybe even some joy. I've had a few Keeping up with the Jones's periods in my life, but frankly now I just don't care. Maybe it's age or maybe it's truly getting kicked in life to understand how little material things mean. Realizing time is short, I want to spend on experiences I choose.
Still I feel like I need a few tactics to both not come off cheap or anti-social, but also not feel forced to spend where I don't want to. I've done a duck and weave tactic by avoiding the spend, like the gazillion fundraisers young family members have. I'll support one each a year per kid, but have been direct and say I'd rather not do the sales based fundraisers. I don't want $25 butter braids and Tastefully Simple bread and dip mixes. I'd rather do a sponsorship like for a run or "something athon", or for a service where the youth earn the donation, or just a direct donation to their account.
As for spending on meals out, sometimes I decline and present a more frugal alternative. "Lunch out doesn't work this week, but do you have any time for a coffee or to go for a walk?" Showing up for people you love doesn't have to cost much at all. Cheering a friend up by drooping off homemade bread is both frugal and personal.
Sometimes it's been useful to couch in a situational decline. "Oh, that play sounds really good, but a bit spendy for me right now. Keep me in mind in the future." It's honest, but doesn't close the door on invites. Being a widow gives me an easy response to turning down participating in something that doesn't fit my spending priorities at a given time. "Sorry, sounds fun, but I'm still balancing this one income thing." I mean, who's going to push back at that one without sounding like a real jerk?
Frugal Queen had a nice conversation video recently about how to cope when you're frugal but your friends aren't. Sometimes I think she can get a little preachy about always declining social engagements that cost money, but this one was really both kind, but authentic, a bit more real world. I really like that she had some positive responses to different spending priorities like her take on friends vacations. Here's that video.
I came from a lower income class. I think never having splurging money has helped me in rough times. I'd be ok if I had to pitch a tent in the woods and had to eat along with the chipmunks and squirrels. For a long time because I had nothing growing up I was beginning to become a clutterer, buying stuff I absolutely didn't need. After the 2009 debacle I lost all my treasures. I realized it's stuff, just stuff. I still like stuff, but mentally I have always been prepared for the worst
ReplyDeleteNo one will want my stuff either when I'm ashes. Your mindset is strong.l still throw the odd good deal in my cart, but it sometimes then just goes on a shelf. Waste.
DeleteI think I accidentally push the publish on my comment before backing out of the page lol.
ReplyDeleteIn this case, I'm lucky that I'm not that social.
I would hope to think, though, that your friends and family would realise that things are a little tighter money wise now. Besides, taking a walk or having just coffee or dessert instead sound fun. With summer approaching, maybe you could look out for some free events coming up that people might like to go to instead of those costing money.
Oh of course. This post was more generalized chatter and less just my experience. There's a lot of good fun in the summer for very little.
DeleteI initiate a lot of my social get togethers, generally an AM walk followed by coffee. Another option is to look for nice upscale fast casual spots (breweries are great for this) where each can order as simply as they wish, and pay separately. Happy hours are another option - dine for $20 or less at all of these venues.
ReplyDeleteWe eat out with friends quite a bit, most of whom are far larger eaters and/or drinkers than we are, and these options above allow us to enjoy socializing while determining for ourselves how much to spend without any pressure.
This was sort of a pondering post, and yes, agree with your suggestions. I don't like the idea of splitting the bill in mixed groups where some drink a lot and others have extras. The pay your own bill is much more conducive to being able to go out with friends on our own budgets.
DeleteI would hope people are respectful of your declining invitations. Preparing to retire and the anxiety that goes with it, is sooooo mental. In a few years, you will settle into your income withdrawals and remaining balance, and then saying yes is easier. I think we planners are far more cautious than "free wheelers". I'm approaching 6y retirement and my stingy spending is over unless the market tanks. I was super super cautious the first 4 years! We are young Sam! It needs to last a loooong time :-)
ReplyDeleteOh yes.. this was chattering, not necessarily my total life experience. I will need to start very lean though as things are going the wrong direction in my accounts.
DeleteI had a schoolteacher friend who knew exactly how tight things are for me. She decided she wanted to eat at a spendy seafood restaurant out on the lake. I told her I could not afford that place, but it was there or nothing for her. She was very annoying, so I told her just go alone. But, she wanted company. Finally, she said would I go to keep her company if she paid for my meal. I agreed. She left no tip, embarrassing me. I sneaked back, apologized and handed the waitress all the money I had, a really poor tip. Before the car even left the parking lot, she casually mentioned I could sew her something to repay her for the meal. I said, "So, you did not treat me and expect to be repaid?" She sputtered and we dropped it. But, my stomach hurt after that.
ReplyDeleteThis was the 'friend' who came to my house and went straight to my refrigerator without asking and helped herself to the last of my milk because she had not had time to buy groceries because she was a schoolteacher.... LOL in derision.
One time, I hid the milk in a cooler. She had another friend who hid all the family's snacks because she would eat ALL the snacks on hand.
I never really considered her a friend after trying to make me pay for my dinner she offered in exchange for keeping her company.
I like your idea of one fundraiser per person per year. Some things I just don't want or need.
I know you are nervous but optimistic. I am worried, but Tommy just ignores all the bad things happening.
I think I'd have been busy every time that person contacted me. She seems a lot.
DeleteYes it is ticklish and awkward when money becomes a factor among friends and relations.
ReplyDeleteI'm fortunate that mine mostly do, still there's some tonal deafness, not malice, when people have no need to watch their dollars.
DeleteThis piece gives a thoughtful and relatable perspective on frugality. I really appreciate how you highlight the balance between being financially responsible and maintaining social connections. It’s refreshing to read about practical, kind ways to say “no” without making others feel uncomfortable, like opting for a walk instead of an expensive lunch or offering homemade bread instead of a costly gift. Your approach seems grounded in the idea that experiences and relationships are more important than material things, which is so true, especially as priorities shift over time. The honesty about turning down invitations without closing the door on future ones shows a lot of wisdom and self-awareness.
ReplyDeleteI just shared a new post you are invited to read: https://www.melodyjacob.com/2025/03/devils-pulpit-finnich-glen-liars-spring-outlander.html. Have a lovely Thursday!
I need people in my life and I'm not rich. My winning personality has to make up for that. You are right- it's balancing the social with kindness.
DeleteI have had years when there was not a penny extra as well as years of financial comfort. I learned, in those early years of nothing, that I could very easily accept a lunch with friends by telling them, straight off the bat, I would just be having a cup of coffee or glass of tea while enjoying the company. No one ever minded and I had some very pleasant "lunches" with friends.
ReplyDeleteI have a close friend now who struggles financially. She will not accept the offer of me paying for her meal, which I would gladly do to enjoy her company. So I have learned to order an appetizer for the table, which she can enjoy along with her coffee without embarrassment.
I do that with my sister. Her budget is tight, but we sometimes just get an appetizers, when we still want to get out of the house, and it works really well.
DeleteI think as you get older you (hopefully) really do realize just how little "stuff" matters! You could lose it all in a fire or (more likely) your kids will probably just throw it all out after you're gone. It's quite liberating actually!
ReplyDeleteHow true about the kids not wanting our stuff. I don't know who will ever want my crystal drinkware and China.
DeleteI love the way you phrased things when asked to go out to lunch or to a play you didn't want to spend the money on. For me, it's the time sitting at a play or long afternoon lunch---not so much the money spent---but I could still learn to refuse in a kinder way that leaves the door open to shorter things like coffee or taking a walk.
ReplyDeleteLove Linda's comment up above. That school teacher 'friend' would be out of my life in no time flat. I know, not always as easy to do as we'd like to think it is.
Agree, your phrasing is really good. Most of my social activities are workout related (hikes are free! Although, we are really lucky because that's an option most of the year in our area, with nice weather.) I have two very close friends (one of whom is my sister) that I travel with. My college roommate friend is doing fine. Not rich, but definitely can afford travel splurges. My sister definitely struggles. For planned trips (e.g. we are all going to Sedona next week), I'll cover the hotel & note that i've used points/credits for it, to reduce guilt. I also used "points" for my sister's flight. College roommate friend will rent the car. My sister will pick up a few meals. It's not equitable, nor does it need to be. We all cover what we can, and I find that by sharing that we often have miles/points/offers, people are much more likely to feel comfortable traveling together, vs me just covering it directly for them. As a result, I try to save my miles/points/offers for traveling with my parents, my sister, etc. - Hawaii Planner
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