July Therapy

   


     I'm getting these off my mind and onto the blog. July seems to be a cyclical downturn for my mental health. Maybe not bottling things up will help. Maybe it's because the last two July's have been challenging months. First, 2023 marked the 6 month of losing my husband. Literally everyone but me and my kids had moved on as if he was just a momentary blip in their lives. I was still in paperwork and other admin hell and so incredibly sad, lonely, and felt entirely overwhelmed. Dealing with getting the Equinox title transferred so I could buy the license tabs, which expired June 30, required escalation of having a letter sent from an attorneys office and wasn't resolved until September.

     Last July a drunken relative ruined July 4th by letting loose every thought and opinion he had about how me and my kids either stupidly had handled things or what, if we had any common sense and would just move on, we should be doing by now, and said very unkind things about my husband. He got a free pass by the rest of the family because he later apologized. (We weren't the only ones exposed to his vitriol words.) My kids were told that their grandma forgave him and that family is everything and should appreciate it more. I'll never be alone in a room with him again and we all avoid him in general. 

     I'm trying hard this year to not fall under the weight. I've got a list of things to tackle, but there's no sky is falling situations as there were the last two summers. No secondary plumbing issue (that I know of), no raccoon finding a way into my attic. The found damage in a closet was identified, but the fix last summer ( where the raccoon found its way in) prevented worse, and a bit of sheetrock removal and replacement and fingers crossed that's resolved. No, the biggest hurdle or obstacle is clutter and the mental mindset to just get rid of things I do not need. It's hard though to touch things, feel the memory, then put it in a box to donate. But I know it's for the best. 

     Last July I had way too much work stress in addition to being physically in pain before getting my knee replacement. I was working 60 hour weeks and was sleeping poorly. This year, I'm healthier physically than I've been in years and no work stress. Mentally, I'm far from healthy, but trying. I worry probably pointlessly about my kids. I have sadness still not just as a widow but having recently lost my brother. I have a dear cousin who has just started hospice care as Alzheimer's has claimed any last bit of who she was. I know these are part of life for everyone but that doesn't make it easy.

     This July I'm focusing on doing positive things. I'm going to keep eating healthy, seasonal vegetables and fruits. I'm not going to look for drama and if it finds me, do my best to ignore. It seems I bled money on the house for two years, but no regrets as the investments have made the house so much more appealing. My big expense in the house for a long while will be a new mattress, though I have lists of where I want/ need to invest next. I'm also looking at the best ways to maximize my financial resources so I can both spend where needed, but also for fun without guilt. 

Comments

  1. Tough month. It's a stupid idea to think you can 'move on' at the same pace as other less connected people. You be you. (There's a lovely colourful picture book for kids called that; I bought a copy for all four classes at the little village primary school when I retired)

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    1. It's by Linda Kranz. I just went and looked it up.

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    2. If a picture book could help, of subtly leave it laying about.

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  2. Dearest SAM, you are a better person than me to still be associating with your husband's family after their appalling behaviour both whilst he was alive, and since his passing. How anyone dare behave in this way, trying to determine the timeline of your grief, is beyond me. Family is not everything when someone treats you poorly. Maybe the person in question needs a few home truths themselves. Here's hoping for a more peaceful Summer for you xx

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    1. It's a few, but yes, there's an alcohol dysfunction with a certain couple. Though, to be honest, my sister in law can be abrasive without a drop.

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  3. Everything Scarlet says. Sending you love and kind thoughts. x

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    1. Thanks, Vix. I'm trying for better balance this summer.

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  4. I am hoping for a positive July for you! I am sorry that your BIL and hubby's side are just like that... Just keep doing what works for you, or we are coming down there to beat them up :P

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    1. It's not all the family but there's a bit of denial on how obnoxious he has been even before the incident last summer.

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  5. Hoping your July funk will pass without any added stress.
    Though it is hard to do, sometimes you just have to put on your best Eleanor Roosevelt face and refuse to accept what someone else says about you. You only have to live up to your own expectations. Their bad behavior is theirs and not yours to carry. Limit engagement and give him no space in your mind.
    I would also probably severely limit my time at the lake when "family" is going to be there. Actually knowing me, I would limit my time with them to none.

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    1. My strategy are to avoid an why we skipped this weekend. I have no story to tell this year.

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    2. I so agree with Anne, I would limit my contact to none. You and your kids deserve better treatment. To be real, I would probably not have any face to face contact with any of that side of the family ever after their treatment of how y’all deal with grief. You are k Cindy in the South

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  6. I'm with Anne.I would be absolutely incensed, on behalf of my deceased husband & my kids, not to mention yourself. Alcohol or not, there is zero excuse for that behavior. I'm so, so sorry you were all exposed to that.

    You have a great list of things that can support your wellness in July. I really do feel so much "lighter" when I'm eating right, sleeping, meditating, & working out. Even if they are not at the "perfect' levels, anything in the right direction helps. I also find that sitting in the sun (well, the shade, but outside) and reading is such a mood lifter. Especially if there are birds to watch. Don't know if your weather is conducive to that at the moment, but hope you get a chance for some outside time. - HP

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    1. I've been outside whenever I can be. Early mornings before back yard heats up, then again later afternoon when shade comes. Just hearing nature is calming.

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  7. I totally agree with all the comments about your in-laws behavior and would probably be avoiding them totally and letting my grown kids decide how much contact they wanted but that is me. Extended families can be tough but you handle it well. I hope your month is filled with what you enjoy and helps you move forward.

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  8. My heart hurts for all you've gone through. You need a big hug group hug!
    No one knows what it is to lose their spouse unless they have gone through it.
    They may think they know.
    I watched my best friend go through it for years.
    I worked in a busy emergency room for many years.
    I saw the suffering,the shock every day. That doesn't mean I could comprehend what they felt.
    How does one just get over
    Losing half of yourself. Half your life?
    How dare the family drunk
    attack you and your children.
    What the hell is wrong with the rest of the family standing there letting him do it?
    I just hate drunken bullies.
    Honey, those people are toxic.
    Remove yourself from their presence.
    There are good kind people
    In the world. You have many reading your blog.
    Need to talk we are all here for you.

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    1. I struggle with how cold my MIL has been. She has all the empathy in the world for mere aquaintences. Her being both a widow herself and having lost her child, I'd have thought she'd have a bit for me.

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  9. This is heavy. I'm sorry. I hope you feel a bit lighter for sharing.

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    1. I did...sorry I go down this road too often.

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    2. No apology needed!

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  10. Sending hugs.
    Grief isn't easy and there definitely isn't a timeline. I don't think I'd ever want to be near that relative again. I certainly wouldn't be forgiving of him, drunk or not.

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    1. I avoid any interaction, and have backed off much from all. He's an ass.

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  11. We are always here to listen! The hurt that family can cause can be unbearable. People you have known for years, spent countless holidays with, shared meals with, thought you knew where you stood with them and things change on a dime. You and your children have certainly been disrespected by their words and actions. I wouldn’t be able to forgive that. I protect my peace. JoAnn

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    1. I'm trying to. I don't understand how they can't understand, that for me, life has changed forever. The old family gatherings on his side are forever going to just be empty. It might have been different had I been part of some inner core of worthiness before, but now, they're just his relatives.

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    2. Your words resonate so deeply. The inner core of worthiness. A place I’ve never been either. But their worthiness is not what I desire in life, because they aren’t as special as they think they are. JoAnn

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  12. I agree with the others about the drunken relative! I know I would have nothing to do with him ever again, or if not "forever", at least until a few years down the road when I might be open to "gloss over it". I certainly wouldn't accept his apology, however. Let him stew, and as Anne says, limit your time with your in-laws and don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to!

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    1. He's the arrogant type that believes an apology wipes the issue gone. It wasn't even really an apology about what was said, more that he made a drunken spectacle of himself.

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  13. Sounds like we have similar feelings about July. But you are making forward movement, even if its small steps. They really add up. Stay on the path. But definitely set up some boundaries for your peace. Let the worry go - it literally does nothing to help. Write the drunken relative off, and anyone who justifies that behavior - do it for yourself. Apologies without change are meaningless.

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    1. Thanks, Gina. I'm sorry your July is hard too.

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  14. I admire how you maintain a connection with your husbands family , despite their behaviour. I am so sorry that you and your children have this added burden - people can be so cruel
    And an apology doesn’t take the experience away
    Siobhan x

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