On Not Sleeping Well...

     

Found this later in the a.m.- describes today.

     I tried to nap yesterday after a horrible night with very little sleep. It didn't take even though earlier when I was logged in to do some training and we were waiting for a report to load, I nearly fell asleep sitting up! I've just been scheduling training sessions an hour here, 90 minutes there, trying to get every thought dumped from my brain to others by Tuesday. I'm using up vacation hours the rest of the work day. Maybe that's part of the insomnia.

     I broke down and took a 10 mg of melatonin last night. I fell asleep, but didn't stay asleep. It was probably midnight and I woke up for hours. I worked my budget in my head. I meal planned. I made mental vacation plans. Eventually the kitten crawled up and decided I should make due with 25% of the bed. I must have fallen asleep at some point. I've been awake again for an hour and it's about 5:30. 

     I let the big dog out, fed his breakfast. Pup barely moved. He's feeling every day of his nearly 14 years. He's had accidents in the house. There's times he still acts like a puppy and is jolly and playful. He loves his walks, though hard to call them that. He takes a step or two then smells, sniffy walks we call them. A walk to the pond that's maybe 30 yards down a path can take 15 minutes. But, he loves them and gets excited to see his leash. I know how he feels. 

     I've felt claustrophobic in my life lately. I want sniffy walks, beyond my walls, but mostly beyond my known. Maybe that's part of but also the opposite of the why I'm not sleeping. I'm retiring early so I can push out from my regular walls, try to build a new life, but I'm actually scared. It's not just money, fear of being bored, or anything else I've written about. Just a fear that this change isn't going to help me be any happier. I wish I was happy. There, I said it. I'm not looking for pity this morning or platitudes that happiness is a mindset. Typing on my phone maybe got some of this out. I'm going to try to get another hour or so of sleep. Thanks for keeping me company.

Comments

  1. ElleApril 2, 2025 at 7:16 AM

    Hugs this morning as you struggle. This is Grief. So much change in such a short time and not the retirement life you planned with your husband. Retirement is also a grieving process so you've got a double as you let go of your work identity.

    Give yourself Grace. One moment at a time is the only way forward.

    ReplyDelete
  2. jjApril 2, 2025 at 7:32 AM

    *hugs* be gentle with yourself, and we are here to keep you company and remind you as Elle said above, to give yourself grace.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AngelApril 2, 2025 at 7:52 AM

    No words of advice, but sending comforting vibes your way as you negotiate all the changes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. MaggieApril 2, 2025 at 8:22 AM

    New changes. Yes, it can be scary. One day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousApril 2, 2025 at 8:37 AM

    Hope you get some sleep! As a fellow non-sleeper, it makes everything feel more challenging. If you are not opposed, I sometimes take an Aleve PM (although, what causes my lack of sleep is typically back pain, so the Aleve does double duty of helping with that). I try to limit myself to nights when I've had back to back no sleep nights before that. But, it definitely works! - Hawaii Planner

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousApril 2, 2025 at 10:59 AM

    Ugh, insomnia. Time was when I could have medaled in sleeping were it a sport. Now, I barely manage four solid hours. And it’s not like I don’t need the sleep either. I have tried everything…over the counter sleep aids, prescription sleep medication, even THC (legal here) and none of it helps. Wine can help me get to sleep, but it makes it even harder to STAY asleep. Seems the only thing that helps is looking at the clock and seeing it’s almost time to get up. THEN sleep comes easily! It’s especially troubling because I used to be prone to hypersomnia particularly in times of emotional distress. (Though I wouldn’t wish that on anybody either.) Not that you want advice, but here is mine: On the days following my most restless nights, I try to keep to my regular routine PLUS I do a bit more…some outdoor job like
    raking leaves, maybe an extra long walk, or a particularly onerous household task like emptying the pantry and reorganizing it. In the meantime, sending peace and love your way.
    -Meg B.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AprilApril 2, 2025 at 3:20 PM

    What was said above: be gentle with yourself and throw "should" expectations out the window for now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. SharonApril 2, 2025 at 4:49 PM

    Hugs. It's all the stress and worry and uncertainty that's messing with the sleep. The more I worry about sleeping the more difficult it seems to be!
    It might take a while for you to feel happy or joy. As others have said, be gentle with yourself. Perhaps little steps, maybe looking for something that makes you smile each day and take a photo with your camera.

    ReplyDelete
  9. CelieApril 2, 2025 at 8:23 PM

    Sleep can be elusive when we need it most. Worry, stress, grief. I've no advice, (I'm not sleeping well myself) other than what others have already written. Be gentle to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anne in the kitchenApril 2, 2025 at 9:37 PM

    We have been traveling and I am not sleeping well either. I rarely sleep soundly and have no wisdom to offer. I wish I could turn my brain off when I wake in the middle of the night, but that never happens.
    Wishing you better success than I have had.

    ReplyDelete
  11. LindaApril 2, 2025 at 10:20 PM

    Sleeping is a chore for me, my nemesis. If I take 10 mg of melatonin, I have rebound and wake too soon. However, I feel sleepy for about 23 hours! I never drink alcohol to sleep. Now, I take between only1 mg. Maybe you will need trials as to what works for you. Finally, I refused to ruminate, try to figure out how to do anything. It works more often than not. So, I am no expert.

    ReplyDelete
  12. MB in MNApril 3, 2025 at 1:59 AM

    Ha, it's 2:00 a.m. and my insomnia led me here. I feel some of your pain. Sending good thoughts your way.

    ReplyDelete
  13. BelindaApril 3, 2025 at 3:57 AM

    Does the melatonin help, Sam? I’ve been having trouble sleeping too, I’ve done Tylenol PM in the last two weeks due to my surgery, but even it hasn’t helped. Usually I’m a pretty good sleeper, so this stinks.

    I wish you were happy too. Your life changed in a traumatic way, one that you were not expecting and hadn’t planned for and that is life changing. I hope in retirement you are able to find what you need and find something to bring pleasure and happiness to your life again. All my best to you, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  14. TreadersApril 3, 2025 at 4:27 AM

    The worst kind of insomnia for me has to be when my mind won't slow down. All the lists that I've got going on in my head drives me crazy. You've been through a lot and have many changes coming up, so I'm not surprised you can't sleep. I don't know if this would help but on Youtube you can find hours long "videos" of soothing sounds like the ocean or birdsong. I tried listening to a couple (but I fell asleep - go figure). Sending you big hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  15. VixApril 3, 2025 at 7:36 AM

    No advice or suggestions, just sending you love. x

    ReplyDelete
  16. SAMApril 3, 2025 at 8:41 AM

    Goodness all- wasn't expecting my early morning waffling to get so much support. Good sleep truly is a gift. Nothing good last night- old dog had a middle if the night big accident- both kinds. I don't know what to do, but try and get him out even more often. I'm not ready for him to move on and otherwise seems so healthy. Thank you all for the support...it does help.

    ReplyDelete
  17. CelieApril 3, 2025 at 7:37 PM

    SAM, I had an old cat that had accidents. I put down puppy pads in her favorite spots. Of course I couldn't put them everywhere, but it cut clean ups in half. Maybe something to try?

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousApril 3, 2025 at 8:11 PM

    I understand about the sleep issue because I usually wake up at 2:30, get up at 4 and get to work between 6 or 7 a.m. I have no advice but I can commensurate.Sleep seems to be ever elusive. Cindy in the South

    ReplyDelete

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