The Pulled Sunday Post

     


     Yesterday was a really hard day. Somehow I got through it. The second anniversary of becoming a widow felt gut wrenching, lonely, isolated, desolate- even around people. I'm truly going to be alone the rest of my life and accepting that conclusion hit hard. Every damn thing is on me. The mudding, sanding and repainting of the wall where we had the temporary plumbing fix three years ago screams at me every time I walk up the stairs. Figuring what lightbulb the porch needs because of course it burns out on a cold January night when I have family coming over, on my list. Every corner of the house has a project or a problem to fix and the running list is on two notebook pages and each week more is added than crossed off. Dealing with a probable cell phone fraud issue that'll probably cost me $1400, mine to deal with. I knew all this for two years, but didn't truly feel this is now my plot in life. I hate what my life has become, but suck it up I must.

     As depressing as this last paragraph was, the unpublished version was absolutely seething. I railed against the world. I mentally cut people out of my life for having too perfect of a  life and no decency to not wave that perfection in my face. I wrote about throwing my cell phone in the dumpster so I didn't have to read another message with praying hand emojis, probably sent before walking out the door for a nice Saturday night dinner with their spouse and with other couples. I mourned and pouted for the extended family with grandchildren I may never have, frustrated why that I'm denied multi generational love to help get though the pain.  I wrote about crying myself dry, both from missing my husband, but missing being part of two, and truly growing old together. Instead, I wrote, I just get to grow old. 

     All that is true and I'm still sad, but I still woke up this morning. I guess I'm glad for that. I've got books, there's a bakery nearby, and pets that need love. Such is my life. 

Comments

  1. SoozeJanuary 19, 2025 at 7:58 AM

    Sam, I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LorraineJanuary 19, 2025 at 8:25 AM

    The version of life we thought we would have is truly a bitter pill to swallow when it is taken from us. There is no amount of prayers, sorry's or our thoughts are with you that makes it any better. I have so much empathy for what you are going through and it's truly heart breaking all the pain and anguish you are experiencing. You surly will find some joy along this journey of life. All you can to is to embrace whatever happiness you find along the way and know its also okay to still grieve what was lost forever.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJanuary 19, 2025 at 8:52 AM

    Just to let you know you are not alone in what you just wrote. I, too, live the life you described. There are good days and sometimes weeks,…. last night was a night of tears and a puffy face this morning. You are lucky that you have your children…..I have absolutely no one. So take joy in what you do have….i try every day…. I am grateful for all that I have but when it is all your decision and on your shoulders it can be so overwhelming. I just wish the better days were more often. I cried 2 weeks ago when someone took my trash can to the curb…….such a little thing that someone did for me……I guess I’m pretty pathetic. You have been in my prayers….stay positive….retirement is great, at least the work pressure and responsibility is gone.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJanuary 19, 2025 at 9:07 AM

    I don’t have any amazing advice or magic words, i can’t pretend to know what you’re dealing with but I’m here for you. We’re all here for you. You can rant, dream, wish, cry and we’ll listen. I am truly sorry for your loss. JoAnn

    ReplyDelete
  5. AprilJanuary 19, 2025 at 10:42 AM

    No words, just heartfelt support. You have lost so much and unfortunately you have learned that it is so easy for others to cover that with platitudes and well-meaning but clueless comments. And there is no shame in putting the phone face down.........

    ReplyDelete
  6. VixJanuary 19, 2025 at 10:47 AM

    It's shit, it's awful and I have no advice to offer you. If you lived nearby I'd drag you out, take you for a walk and we'd sit in the pub beside a fire with a bottle of wine. xxx

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

If you comment anonymously, it'd be nice to have a name to go with the comment. It helps me string other people's comments and therefore their experiences together.

Popular posts from this blog

So Very Tired

      Apologies to Michb as I think I deleted her comment from my last post. I've never read anything but kindness from you, so please know the lost comment was not intended. I'm just really tired- who knows if others were deleted too. Any supportive comments are appreciated, though likely won't be discussing my in-laws in my blog much in the future. It's not fair for me to write about them or have any expectations.      We think the raccoon issue is resolved, but not before yet another call. It's not cheap to have critter incursions resolved. I was lamenting to my son that maybe I shouldn't try and keep the house. He's a help of course, but this isn't his long term plan, or quite frankly intermediary plan. His response was that yes, it is a lot of house and property to take care. He knows my husband handled the bulk of house maintenance and outside care. My son's been a city living apartment dweller since his junior year of college. He'll be a c...
Read more

Struggling in Year Two as a Widow

Image
           If you are not in the mood for a post like this, I will take no offense. Skip on over and hopefully another day I'll be a bit better spirited. This is for me really after another challenging weekend trying to cope. I'm really struggling in this second year of being a widow. Maybe it's the season; this should have been our first summer to really enjoy the extra time together. He was to have retired Labor Day weekend last September, and we'd be spending nights going to music by the park events, weekends and my days off either on an adventure or at the cabin, happily tooling around in the boat that he waited decades to buy. I can't stop thinking about the wasted opportunities when we had them and took time for granted. The planning for my own retirement almost sickens me to see the unused financial sacrifices he made to secure our future.        I focus on my kid's happiness but they each seem just as stuck, but in different ways...
Read more

A Check-in

Image
      I'm amazed how people that I've only met virtually can become such good friends and a support system. I've not been feeling like blogging for several months and not sure when I'll resume. However, I feel I owe so many of you that have checked in by comments or emails to at least let you know I'm still here, still getting from day to day.      I had a successful knee replacement back on August 7th. Recovery has been slow, but is progressing in the manner the surgery and PT team say they aim for. Getting the 0° leg extension, and the 120°+ bend has been the challenge. I'm battling fatigue when trying to walk as long as I'd like and restlessness at night, but pain has been very manageable. I'm working intermittently and will through the rest of September. In October, I'll work around weekly formal PT appointments and daily rounds of  continued PT exercises on my own. A few other health issues came to light or resurfaced in preparing for surgery, m...
Read more