Planning to live in Retirement Edition 10: Hopes Game Plan
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| Photo at Pexel.com |
By end of tomorrow, January will be half over. All the lead up to Christmas and the new year is old news. My daughter's birthday is over, Happy 24th. The fact that all my children are now older than when I became a parent is amazing to me. I honestly thought by now I'd have a much larger family, instead, my family has gotten smaller. I have no say in other people's lives and choices, but it's a circumstance to me that I can't say doesn't make me a bit wistful. That being said, I need to concentrate on building my own sense of purpose with my life and with my family.
On New Year's Day I shared hopes for the coming year. With extending my work life past the first quarter, I didn't want to delay efforts, even though #1 will take longer. Here's the list and a few things I've done to start making progress.
1. Successful transition to retirement:
- Update my budget in light of delayed timeline
- Update my calendar to account for the 5 more work weeks
2. Continue to lose excess weight while getting stronger and improving my health:
- First step, getting the 6 pounds off that crept back on somewhere between my birthday in November and last week. ( I've lost 2 so far). I'm going to focus back on intermittent fasting where I only consume calories between 11 and 7, or 12 and 8 depending on my schedule. I can tell that the extra "small" snacks here and there, along with the holiday higher calorie food, has not been good for me.
- I joined but now have to actually participate in the city walking club.
- Had an audiology appointment to see what next steps might be to improved hearing. It's been getting worse. I'm looking at insurance discounts, because there doesn't seem to be any real coverage, before committing to the type and brand and will follow up with audiologist once I understand options better. It's going to be a big bite out of my savings; I had no clue how expensive hearing aids are. But, the trade-off should be worth getting rid of the increasing frustration as my hearing worsened.
3.Expand my social circle through activities:
- One is same as Hope 2, participate in the walking club.
- Relook at the Better after 50 group through church. The fall activities were not conducive to my knee recovery, then there was a pause over the holiday season and retirement celebration for our pastor. February is bowling and I enjoyed that last year. It might help me find my faith a bit with church people I enjoyed seeing again or meeting last year at the events I joined.
4.Affordable and (some) slow travel:
- Booked weekend road trip with my sisters. This is a start to more travel in my own back yard.
- Joined both a slow travel and a widowed travel group on Facebook. For now, these just generate ideas, but I'm learning little things to consider.
5.Live more sustainably:
- Saved ruined towels for dogs and for floor "swifters".
- Buying more bulk dried beans; having black, navy, and pinto beans ready for soups and stews will be useful, but dry chickpeas are hard to find.
6.Improve relationships while establishing my own needs within them.
- Had an honest talk with my youngest who has been a bit challenging in her criticism of both extending my work time and my need to get more things purged. It's going to be an ongoing challenge but we're talking things through.
- I tried to be probably too polite, but now am being firmer, so might come off rude or disrespectful as I never used to say boo; I'm choosing to not let it go when people either give me flippant and insincere platitudes or unsolicited "advice" that really is just unasked for opinions. I've had a few winner comments in the last few months, totally unprompted by me, that crossed multiple lines and I spoke up. As for my needing therapy ( as in, "Have you thought of going to therapy? You should.", that's where this new resolve is coming from.
- The second anniversary of my husband's death is Saturday. I mailed cards to my MIL, SIL, and BIL, acknowledging their loss too and shared a good memory with each of them. They were my family for 35 years and still are my children's. Part of moving forward though is that while I can still keep a place for them in my life and vice versa, I need to also be free to step away from expectations, even if just perceived by myself. Tuesday they all are going on a full family vacation. I opted to not join, but am hoping my kids enjoy the time with family.
I didn't make any true resolutions. Supposedly, at least according to a television commercial, the 2nd Friday in January is called quitters day. I guess if I make no resolutions, I can't be a quitter. Still, I want to be accountable to myself, and that's the action for Hope 7.
Good for you speaking up to people who have the gall to tell you how to grieve! I'll be thinking of you Saturday. The anniversaries are hard. Blessings to you and your family. Lynn, Pecos, NM
ReplyDeleteI should be shocked that people who have been of little help feel their words are going to be magic.
DeleteDon't Should On Me!!!!!! Good for you. Wishing you peace as you face Saturday and planning/working on Sam's future.
ReplyDeleteI know, right? Sam's future feels scary but it's there regardless do trying for better.
DeleteI love this for you! I especially like that you and your youngest talked things over and hopefully she sees where you are coming from. Good job on speaking up and making plans to spend time traveling - you are going to enjoy it all. Sending you love and hugs as Saturday approaches.
ReplyDeleteShe's really struggling herself and sees any of my change as more things out of her control. I'm hoping if I let her help me with some things she'll feel the changes are healthy.
DeleteI am connected strongly to my mom too - I get where she is coming from. My friend is grieving her dad (passed Aug 2023) and we discuss it whenever she feels to, but she has done some grief counseling and is getting some help post baby now. I think everyone needs to talk to a professional, but it is down to everyone to seek it out themselves.
DeleteThe gall of some people, suggesting you need therapy. Grief is individual to each person feeling it, and nobody has the right to suggest that anyone should be out of the other side of the immediate worst of it within a particular timeframe. I know it was a long time before my mum woke up one day and knew that she would be okay. I will be thinking of you on Saturday in particular, though you know my thoughts are often with you and the children. You have my utmost admiration, and for what it's worth I think you are doing as well as any of us would if we were in your shoes. Xx
ReplyDeleteJ got hearing aids a few months ago. They have helped enormously, but we definitely had an 'ouch' moment when paying for them.
Yesterday's message, again, as a reply to me saying, yes, still have hard days was this..."I hope you can do some searching for a really good grief group or maybe a therapist that can help talk through this" , meaning, they're not that person, don't want to be that person, but get some help. I'll find out more in March on my options for the hearing aids. Everything takes so long.
DeleteThis makes my blood boil, and my heart ache. They've shown such a lack of compassion. I'm sorry. Xx
DeleteIt sort of shocked me, the tone, from her in particular. I realized later her text really wasn't so much a check in with me, but an opportunity to share something great in her life. I'm happy her family has another addition coming and I guess I should have stayed in the celebratory mood when she asked me, now I realize rhetorically, how I am.
DeleteI got my chickpeas through Amazon, I actually have 12 varities of dried beans, dried peas along with dried carrots,peas and different potatoes so if things get bad I can be like my Daddy and make dried veggies and bean soup.
ReplyDeleteI got to the point with certain family, friends after becoming a widow at age 30 , that when they offered advice that I would interrupt and say, thank you for your concern, but I have my own plans. I have a kid that says she has said "Did I ask for your advice?" I don't have enough attitude for that but I noticed my FIL does.
I have my own plans...I have to remember that simple phrase. I've been saying, I'm figuring things out, a lot. I do need a firmer response for those clearly just being rude as their input is so out of line it's obvious to any observer, but I'm usually so frustrated by that point I just don't say anything. If I can get a successful garden, I d like to get some veg dehydrated. That would be good for camping or just stocking up.
DeleteI have a 24 year-old too, and to compare where I was at that age with where he is? Wow, things have changed. Of course, I am an entirely different parent than my parents. And YES, I have no say in other people’s lives and choices…unless they are crossing into my life and choices! All this to say, DD DOES NOT want children, ever…she’s not married or involved, but even so, she doesn’t want them . Fine. A kid said something about how it made me feel and did I hope she changes her mind…boy kid, btw, and I turned red. I said that my becoming a grandparent was a decision I neither could nor should have any say in, and, in fact, the only person in the house who DID have any say, unless they had girlfriends I didn’t know about was DD, and I would be the for one chasing them with pitchforks if they attempted to infringe on her, or any other woman’s right to make that decision even by seemingly innocuous comments like that.
ReplyDeleteNone being parents right now is a good thing for their lives-none really have the mind set or resiliency of what parenting requires at the moment and with no partner, definitely I'd have the burden. I can feel disappointed that life isn't different but that's my issue. I agree that unless choices others make, forcey hand, it's best to stay clear.
DeleteLove #7. I don't make resolutions, but I do think about goals. Sounds like you did what was right for you, and that is the most important thing of all!
ReplyDeleteI bumble along. I don't have any real clue what's right for me, but get up, and bumble again.
DeleteI saw this article and immediately thought of you. Big hugs to you!!
ReplyDeletehttps://www.aarpethel.com/relationships/my-husband-of-62-years-died-in-july-2023-and-im-still-grieving?cmp=EMC-DSM-NLC-OTH-ETHEL-2002601-2096804-8953242-NA-01152025-TheEthel-MS3-HusbandDied2023StillGrieving-BTN-CTRL-Relationships&encparam=zqYyWivvUwZEZKFlP%2bVEeHAeg4sfAUE5y%2bhI%2f7V9uqc%3d
Yes, grieving is hard at any age and having expected timelines adds hurt unnecessarily. Admittedly though, I was resentful of the author...she had her husband until he was 86, so I too was being, in my head, unkindly dismissive because she had 62 years of marriage. That's how it's supposed to be, not losing your husband before you even got a day of retirement together.
DeleteWe have two sons in their early thirties; both have had the same girlfriends since the start of Covid. Neither appear interested in marriage/children at the moment.
ReplyDeleteHave you looked into Costco for hearing aids? I have a cousin who joined just for that reason.
I'll learn more about options with my next visit way off in March. I'm a bit unsure going outside my plan.
DeleteYou will be much in my thoughts on Saturday
ReplyDeleteSiobhan x
Thanks Siobhan. I hope your return home was safe and you're now comfortable back in your cottage.
DeleteSending hugs for the hard anniversary. Good for you for finding your voice and standing up to people.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter had her first child last year. When I was her age, I had 3 children including a 10 year old. She's the youngest, the other two haven't had children and probably won't. I'm proud of them all for standing up for what they want (or don't want) and not bending to societies rules.
Sounds like you've got lots of good plans and ideas.
At my oldests age, 3 kids too. I know they need to live their lives for themselves.
DeleteWhen I got divorced someone recommended solos groups because I still wanted to travel. While being divorced is in no way the same as losing a spouse I found that in most of my European travels there were far more widows than divorcees, and while it can be very nerve-wracking at first, by the end of the trip most had made new friends and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Some of those older ladies were so much fun to be around! Outside of Europe the trips included solos from all walks of life and ages but even then we usually had a blast too. It might be something you'd want to consider if and when you'd ever feel up to it! I see you also mentioned in a recent post "cutting down on screen time". If you ever figure out how to do that let me know because I waste way too much time on the computer!
ReplyDeleteI have book marked a few of those sites but wow, they are pricey from the US- often double what I could put together for a trip. It's like they add 50% of what airfare would be. I'll keep looking and haven't ruled it out. Last night screen time was cancelled because I needed sleep.
DeleteI have a question about one thing. Has anyone suggested you date? I suppose we would have heard an explosion of you had that suggestion.
ReplyDeleteWhen either of my girls mentioned anything about a baby or marriage from the time they were toddlers, I sternly told them they had to go to college, have some fun, go somewhere, THEN get married and have babies.
Maybe I made too much of an impression because oldest was 37 before he married a 27 year-old-woman, both were teaching, and he had owned a house for about ten years. Second child did wait until she was 25 and third child has never married and has no children.
All three did go to college!
Friends felt sorry for me I did not have grandchildren by the time my children were 17! Of course, they had children and daughters who were single mothers. I was annoyed, but found little shame my kids were of a different ilk than theirs.
I've been asked if I would consider dating again. My response has been, and "who exactly would I date?" I would only want my kids to be married and or have children if it was what they wanted and could handle. I know lots of successful single parents by choice and plenty of perfectly happy never been parents, never been married too. I intentionally used wistful, only because I'm my head I'd like the bigger family but does not mean I would want to pressure my kids to live their lives differently.
DeleteEveryone grieves in a different way, almost like your fingerprint. Funny then why everyone seems to feel their way is the right way and anything else is 'wrong'.
ReplyDeleteGood comparison. I'm usually doing things the wrong way according to a few sunsets of people in my life. Widowing I guess is just another way I present my flaws.
DeleteYou're in my thoughts today, Sam. xxx
ReplyDelete