The Honest Christmas Letter
I'm ambivalent about Christmas letters. Folks can include if they want, I'll read or skim depending quite frankly, if I have interest enough to read with any vigor. My MIL does one, but requires us to write the paragraph for our families. Mine is short and sweet. People might read it and wonder why there's so little about my husband's family and much more about siblings'. Her relatives and friends that I know, already know what's going on. Those I don't know, I doubt care for more than a Readers Digest summary and I don't feel like sharing more anyway.
I've done occasional prewritten, child age and location updates, on cards, not a full on letter. I tend to include a personal note to those I don't see often or at all. When I open cards, there's a full spectrum of quick updates and those that do in depth debriefs of vacations, merits, and accolade every member of their family received in the previous year. We've all read at least one over the top bragging letter, where no one has a care and everyone is just so successful. That's not us in our best years, and believe me, we haven't been living our best years for the last two. Here's the honest version of a Christmas letter if I was to send.
Dear family and friends,
Another Christmas having to spend without our husband and dad. It sucks and quite frankly, we're a bit jealous at everyone getting to be happy families with their traditions and norms. I'm sad pretty often, and wish my in-laws would stop expecting us to celebrate the same way on Christmas Day. But, to keep people happy, once again I'm sucking it up. In other updates...
I'm preparing to retire in a few months. I'm tired, stressed, and quite frankly have little interest in the jobs purpose and mission any more. I'm scared that financially it's a dumb time though. Scared, no terrified! To help, I got my substitute teaching license so if need be, I can jump back into the classroom to be disrespected and underpaid, but at least try to cushion my savings.
Son moved back to our state after Covid and back to back strikes decimated his career opportunities. He's working incredibly hard to rebuild, having to start again with both professional and personal relationships, piecing together something, but unfulfilled. But, he proved we didn't raise jerk kids by adopting an abandoned kitten. Other people are real jerks.
Daughter one met a lot of idiots in the dating scene, or didn't as it's 50-50 if they'll show up once plans are made. She got a new coworker last spring who is a lazy misogynistic pain in the ass that likes to dump the more tedious work on her and the other female, so he can do the creative stuff, but does the old "but you're so much better at that" to get away with it from their boss. Her dog though is full of unconditional love, never misses a dinner date, and showers her with affection.
Daughter two is in a second year of working for poverty level wages to build her resume, because as she learned, employers want multiple years of experience plus degrees to even be interviewed for a low, but slightly higher, paying entry level job. Her cat is wonderful but his food costs are more than her grocery budget. He's worth it compared to even more therapy co-payments.
All four of us are still grieving, loaded with anxiety. We're each finding ways, hopefully positive, to deal with both. The girls picked up distance running. My son and older daughter do yoga. The youngest bikes a lot. We lean into friends and family who don't put expectations on us. We have the pets; we have each other. I guess that is cause to celebrate the Christmas season and hope 2025 has to be better.
Sam
Absolutely spot on and beautiful. Thinking of you all, Sam.
ReplyDeleteIt was written to let some unhappy thoughts out. It helps.
DeleteYou CAN stop giving in to the in-laws!!!!! You do not have to participate in their rituals and events. Make your own NEW and DIFFERENT things with your little family. It is OK to say no at this point!!!
ReplyDeleteI think you underestimate the energy that “ taking a stand “
Deleterequires, particularly as Sam is still within the first 24 months of her
husbands sudden death
Siobhan
I had to take a stand after I lost my husband suddenly - so I DO understand. I was not about to controlled by people I was no longer really related to. It was not worth it. They can suck the energy right out of you.
DeleteI wouldn't have suggested it - had I not been through the same thing myself!
I think each of our lives and experience as widows is incredibly unique, including the dynamics with our former in-laws. You understand your capacity to take a stand. In my situation, I have a very active MIL who lost her son, and I don't want her to feel like she is losing a connection with her grandchildren. They are adults and can choose how long they want to participate, as I'm aware I can as well. I just wish I'd be asked instead of assuming I'd want to do the same full day and not be faced with a lack of understanding that I might just find it difficult to repeat his family traditions without him here. If taking a stand worked for you, terrific, as I do not know your family dynamic. For me, but the rift is not something I'm ready for.
DeleteThe term I used was underestimate, not understand . Big difference
DeleteSiobhan
Hugs to you Sam. I hope you find a good compromise. Yes, asking instead of assuming makes a big difference.
DeleteI love this honest letter, and it's a shame we all can't be as forthright with everyone. Maybe then we'd all have more empathy and truly find ways to help one another.
ReplyDeleteLosing an extension of yourself makes a person definitely more humble.
DeleteOh Sam, I think you should send that letter!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cheryl, unless your kids enjoy those family gatherings, maybe start some new traditions. They can visit their grandma another day.
I hope that 2025 will be a better year for your family.
I won't really send it, but I am getting more honest when asked pointed questions. My kids being adults, they can do what works for them.
DeleteThis letter will resonate with many and I thank you for your honest thoughts. I find that when times are bad, the only thing that works to lift me out of it is finding things to be grateful for. ( healthy kids, a warm home etc) It helps seeing posts like yours and knowing that "everyone else" does NOT have a perfect life.
ReplyDeleteGetting it typed out then reflecting on what is good was the juxtaposition my mind needed.
DeleteThis is a Christmas letter I would read. I have several that I glance at and move on. I have 2 adult children living with me to save on living expenses and everytime we go to a family gathering the question of did they move out comes up. I have difficulty answering that question. Yes I would have more room and could do things I avoid right now. BUT I want them to move out the way I did with confidence that they (I?) am ready. Plus my daughter has knocked out over half of her student loans in under 3 years. My friends just line up all of the great things their kids are doing, marriage, new babies, etc.
ReplyDeleteMy son gets a whole lot of raised eyes. Doesn't matter that had he not been here during my surgery and recuperation I'd have been a pain to others. The fact that he is courageously starting over is lost on some people. Your children and your household is what works for you all.
DeleteNothing feels heavier than the weight of other people's expectations. It's never too late to start your own traditions. xxx
ReplyDeleteSo true, Vix. Sam, sending all my love. Your grace is admirable.
DeleteVery well said Vix
DeleteSiobhan x
I agreeing-too much weight. It'll ease in time.
DeleteI love this letter. I am hoping for new Christmas traditions for you and the kids, sending lots and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteIt's just too long of a day...and I am going to back off and limit my time there.
DeleteI love your letter. Like Mandy said, it’s a shame we can’t all be honest and sincere. My ex MIL entire family sent out Christmas mini novelas, some were 6+ pages! It actually became a fun tradition to read them aloud in a snooty voice while drinking wine. I would prompt responses of applause and gasps. After the 5th letter and on, they were all pretty hysterical. This was before Facebook, so they had a year’s worth of “perfect” life to share. Beyond ridiculous. Needless to say I send out a card with a picture and a hand written note. This year in Canada our postal service is on strike. So phew! I’m out for this year!
ReplyDeleteI skim at best a letter over a page. I know it moves into TMI about their life. I'm scaling back my cards-last year I didn't send any.
DeleteThat is a great letter, Sam. And tells everyone exactly what needs to be said. I love it!
ReplyDeleteYou all are the only ones who will read.
DeleteKudos to you! If people don't like your real life, they don't like/love you in the least. I concur with others to invest zero energy in the in-laws who are pretending you losing your life partner and your children losing their Dad makes no difference-a massive hole in your lives. Ya'll need that energy to get through each day.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and the kiddos as you figure it out together.
It's not that they don't acknowledge, it's just they don't want their life, especially the holiday, to be disrupted. My SIL who passed away 29 years ago moved forward, but he was remarried less than 2 years later. I think they see it as helping me and my kids, that they know better.
DeleteI hear you Sam and like others would want you to send your letter - I would definitely read it . For me part of the difficulty with my late husbands siblings is that whilst their lives are different , they are not changed in the way that the lives of my kids and mine are . People forget , people move on - and all I can think is that my husband isn’t here and nothing will ever feel okay again
ReplyDeleteSiobhan x
That is the hard truth. I lost every morning and every evening having that person who gets you. I lost my partner managing the home. I lost a one income-nine months before we had planned. I lost someone to help share the pain my kids feel in their disappointments. I know other widows get this, yet it's still unique to each of us to an extent.
DeleteSending a virtual hug and good thoughts. It is unfortunate that your in-laws can’t empathize with what you and your kids are going through. Unfortunately, they may be the sort of family that dies not talk about feelings.
ReplyDeleteI think they might think they are helping us become normal again. That ain't happening.
DeleteSending hugs. A really good letter. I guess some families don't talk about difficult things or expect you to pretend to be cheerful when you're really not.
ReplyDeleteThe odd thing is they are a sympathetic family, but short lasted and it feels like more grace to strangers. It's just how things are.
DeleteI am so glad you wrote that letter and so relieved you are not sending it! I have had people try to help me through on huge loss in my life, but they just made me miserable.
ReplyDeleteYour loss must have been very traumatic.
DeleteI always used to hate those letters too. You know, the ones with the perfect kids and the wonderful careers and the Martha Stewart homes when all I got at parent-teacher evenings was that my kids were "nice"! Your letter is very honest and thoughtful and shows the reality of your lives at the moment. Mind you, your daughter's lazy colleague seems to be suffering from a severe case of weaponized incompetence - maybe she should mention it to her boss!
ReplyDeleteI don't mind update letters, and that's why I'm ambivalent.my daughter has mentioned he's challenging to work with. Her boss is recently in the position and it's interim for now.
DeleteDear SAM, I too hated those letters. I could never write one. My life is far from perfect. My kids are far from perfect. Sometimes getting through the day is a real struggle. Unless you have been here you don't have a clue. My middle daughter said at times she misses her dad so much she can hardly breath. It is just so painful. I think it is great that you are going to retire. Start on a new path and one you have much more control over. You are blessed with great kids. That alone puts you far above many others. Write that in a Christmas letter...
ReplyDeleteEven being there, I can't walk in your shoes or you in mine. You have grandkids and the will to make life special for them. I feel judged by his family for my spinster kids ( my niece actually used that term in my daughter once!!!), and that sadness of family pictures taken at his mom's house without my whole family eats me up.
DeleteI'm lucky in that I've never had letters in with cards, just a few lines written within the card on occasion.
ReplyDeleteI know that your relationship with some of your in laws wasn't always the easiest before your husband's passing, and that must make it more difficult for you. I wish you could send that letter as I think it's what some of them need to hear, even if it's not what they want to hear.
I think they're being insensitive, assuming that you would just carry on as before at Christmas and other celebrations, and not even ask if you're OK with that.
I remember all too clearly that when my dad died, despite my own grief, I understood that it was my mum whose pain was the worst, it was her who had lost the future they'd planned , and the man she'd loved since he was 17 and she was 18, and I was very much led by what she wanted or needed. My dad's sister was less thoughtful, and it eventually led to a breakdown in my mum's relationship with her.
You have my utmost admiration Xx
I'm going to have a conversation or maybe just an email to let them know I'll join for lunch and a visit, but that I'm going to reclaim the bulk of Christmas day for myself to think, meditate, walk the dogs, just be by myself a bit. My kids get I need the time. You've all convinced me I need to put my mental health first.
DeleteYour letter is very true to yourself and well said. I have not been through the loss you've suffered, so I will refrain from sharing thoughts. But I will say I think that Scarlet's comment is very wise.
ReplyDeleteScarlett's story touched me, as I know her mom gets it, and Scarlet understands every situation of a widow is different from the next. I'm fortunate to have you all as virtual friends and support.
DeleteMy Christmas letter would be far from happy reading. I don't know sometimes if it's better or worse when a loved one dies or just goes no contact with you for reasons far from fair. My 2 estranged children has stolen my joy this Christmas. I hope you have a better Christmas Sam. 8-)
ReplyDeleteI can unequivocally say that a death of your spouse is permanent. You always have hope that there can be reconciliation.
DeleteWith my kids, no hope while I am alive.
DeleteMy in-laws think my daughter is stuck up for going to a university, they think my son is a failure for not going. My kids are happy with their decisions, I’m proud of them both and love them no matter what. They also don’t have any relationships with that side of the family. Sadly, if my mother in law left one or both of my kids out of the holiday letter it would be on purpose. It would be a choice not an accident. And they can feel free to keep my name out of their mouths too ;) JoAnn
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I shouldn't complain too much, as I know she tries. It's just ironic how my kids were kind of pounced on for not showing up for family things often enough or long enough, and then my most vocal child incidentally got cut from the letter.
DeleteThis is a real update, and while I can't relate to the death of your spouse, the burden and expectations placed on us to have a "magical" and "perfect" life that we show off to others is real. Sure, I talk about the good stuff with my kids, but those in my life who truly know me, also know the other crazy shenanigans. I deeply, deeply love my husband, but he also has his moments (as do I, of course!) and I rarely share those with others, because who wants others to judge your spouse? I view anything like a Christmas letter or a social media post as a highly curated version of the truth. I love my MIL, but there is something very freeing of us not living close or being able to communicate regularly. Of course, on the flip side, there are very negative tradeoffs associated with that as well, but I try to appreciate the fact that we can love each other and have no hard feelings, because...we can't communicate. ;-) I can't ever know if she says snarky things to my husband, or judges or criticizes my parenting, or any of that.
ReplyDeleteI hope you & the kids (adult children) have a really lovely holiday season together, with some nice new memories. (Hawaii Planner)