Planning to Live in Retirement: Edition 7 Keeling Connected
I've had a few weeks of lunch and dinner meetups with people that I've not seen for a while. I met a friend for lunch in early November, met in the workplace- first I reported to her and then as my career took off, she reported to me the last decade I was there. I met a more recent colleague/ friend that works in a different branch of our enterprise now, but she was who recruited me to my job. Then last week calendars finally worked to meet up for dinner with another friend of over 30 years, also met through the work place. This is just examples of so many friends that have come through work. Not surprising since 40 hours a week or more have been spent with these people at different points of my life.
It does give me pause; how will I keep staying connected to people in my past and forge new friendships that align with my change in lifestyle. I know I'm retiring years earlier than most of my friends. Some, because I'm older, such as my mom's friend group as most were met through my third child. For others, they either really love their work or financially need to be closer to full retirement age, or a combination of both. My meetups touched all these scenarios.
It could be really easy once I retire to lock into an internally focused day to day existence. Heck, there's days now that from the waste down I'm in total sweat pants and leggings attire because I'll see no one other than the dogs and maybe a neighbor if I'm out walking. I also can't be dropping $30 a meal every time I want to venture out to see friends. I'm hoping, as in friends three above, that we meet for walks at a great park that's easy for us both to get to. For friend two, she mentioned she see's a couple other retired colleagues ( friendly past colleagues to me as well) for happy hour semi regularly and plans to keep me in the loop. You all know I like a good happy hour, and half the price of dinner out.
I hear stories of friends drifting once they become grandparents. That's not likely to be my situation for a while, but I sure feel it with my college roommate. I've surely felt breaks in couples friendships since my husband died. I get it. They still gather with other couples, I assume. I'm a reminder of how quickly life changes. I've valued the support and supporting other widows, but there's few close geographically or in my life stage. I need other ideas to keep my friend groups ties healthy. If you've successfully navigated the friend zone in retirement, what's been your experience?
Since my partner passed away and I was widowed, I've actually spent more time with women friends and been able to make new friends. Meet ups are usually lunch, breakfast or to go for a hike or see a movie. Since I live alone in the mountains, I've made it a priority to stay connected, so I don't become the crazy hermit lady. Lynn, Pecos, NM
ReplyDeleteI know I'll need to find .y regular friends to see, and not be shy about reaching out to those more distant because that seems to take more planning. I can see myself being a crazy pet person only talking with them if I am not intentional.
DeleteI regularly have phone or texting conversations with my friends. This helps keep the friendship
ReplyDeleteGoing when we aren’t able to meet in person as frequently as I would like. Since I’ve become a widow though sometimes it feels like you’re on a deserted island. Being with friends and family doesn’t feel the void of losing that connection to our spouse but as time goes on I hope that part
Mellows out to acceptance of where I am at the moment.
Sometimes I feel the void more...they'll share what they've been up to, and it seems it's so often couples things. But, I know that's reality and I want my friends to feel like they can share life without worrying about making me sad. I've had my share of sadness and self pity though, wishing like mad this was not my life.
DeleteFriends and colleagues and acquaintances (different categories, maybe?) change over time and over circumstances. There are some folks I saw every workday for years who I now see in passing: always friendly, always "Hey, catch me up!," and that is pretty much it until we pass again in the street. There are others who I stay far more connected with even since retiring 3 years ago. But (and this is just me), "everyone" pretty much knows not to ask me to join them for lunch (let alone for a drink after work) because I just don't "do" lunch. Never have. Not my thing for lots of reasons, including your observation about not in a position to drop $30 for lunch on an ongoing basis! (On the other hand, post-retirement, I have had former colleagues join me for brown bag lunch at my house. Always fun.)
ReplyDeleteBut I'd love to be included in happy hours...my favorite outings. True that not all past friendly colleagues are friends, but with each decade, I've added a few close friendships...but also, some fizzled too. I love the idea of brown bag meetups.
DeleteMy friends & I typically meet up for a workout (a hike, or for the couple of friends I have at a workout studio, we just align our workout schedule & often grab coffee after). Lunch is much more rare, for the reasons you mention. I also just prefer being outdoors & walking vs eating lunch. I've done a good job during my "funemployment" to reach out to people. I'm not great about that, unless you are a close friend, but I've found myself being more comfortable doing it & have reconnected with a lot of awesome people. (Hawaii Planner)
ReplyDeleteMy moms group of friends like the walking, but without knee and someone with a hip issue, and now my friends fatigue from breast cancer treatment, that's been hard. Throw in brutal winter and hard too. Yes, I need to make sure I'm making a point to reach out and not do the waiting.
DeleteI retired at 58. All but 3 friends were work friends. Oddly, those friends who had time to go out after work or meet up for happy hours, are "I'll get back to you" with 1 exception. And my 2 friends live out of state now!! Having been in healthcare since age 19, I realized I was "peopled out". Except for going to the gym for cardio, I could stay in easily for a week at a time.
ReplyDeleteI hope those you wish to keep up friendships with, feel the same for you.
My husband was a talker, and the silence at night when I'm alone too much is so hard. I just want people to listen too, and share my life. I know it'll be up to me to tell people I need socializing.
DeleteIt took a long while before I was ready - but I keep in touch now with 2 groups of old friends. We each group, have lunch every 2 months. I also have friends from working that I get with from time to time. I never did anything with old friends when Glen was here, I felt I needed to be here in case he needed something. It took me about 3 years before I started doing lunches and going to things. It is nice to keep up with one another.
ReplyDeleteBoth of us were social, separate and together. I didn't experience a long illness, and in fact was out at Trivia the night he died. I guess I did do social things early, but it was mostly with my family. It was months before I rejoined friends. I'm glad you've found your friends again.
DeleteI work from home and was concerned about losing touch. I belong to a book club and a sit and stitch. I also have calendar appointments to at least remember to touch base with friends who are in a different situation. The appointments allow me to decide if now is a good time and if not I put a new appointment on my calendar.
ReplyDeleteI like this approach, Amy. I sort of have a running list of people I like to reach out to, and try and create mental notes for myself if it's been awhile. (Hawaii Planner)
DeleteThat is a great suggestion for me too. Thanks Amy.
DeleteMost of my friends retired before me. We get together for midmorning or afternoon coffee. There are several independent coffee shops in town, none expensive. All let you sip slowly and chatter pretty much as long as you want. I did that today. Much cheaper than lunch. I also write notes to myself to remind me to check in on the more quiet friends. Staying in touch takes effort, something I'm not always good at.
ReplyDeleteI'm realizing I'll need to put the effort out there. Everyone has busy lives - it's not that they don't care about or want to get together but simply getting through their own days to day business. We have a couple coffee shops, that's a good idea. The brewery has other beverages for no drink times too.
DeleteSeveral of the women I chat to at the swimming pool are widowed and started swimming as a way of both meeting new friends and staying fit. There's nothing like being half naked for breaking down barriers! xxx
ReplyDeleteThere's a pool in one of the nearby towns. The YMCA has limited hours so I don't want to pay a very expensive membership yet until I know I'll use. Swimming's a great idea.
DeleteIt's so great that you are keeping up with your friends like this. It's too easy to let them slip by.
ReplyDeleteI know though, I'll likely need to be the one to reach out first. Life just goes on for everyone, with no ill intentions.
DeleteI retired at 48, and now, some 14 years later, have lots of friends to do and hang with, but it was a conscious and deliberate effort, over several years, to arrive at this point.
ReplyDeleteJoin 'everything' would be my best advice. It's so much easier now to locate people and activities, thanks to Facebook groups, Meetup, and the expansion of groups broadcasting via websites.
Try everything you decide on at least two times.before deciding if its for you or not. Make and hand out contact cards (personal business cards if you will), whenever you meet someone who has energy that aligns with yours. I'd say about 30% of the people I'll give a card to ended up following, resulting in a friendship over time. I usually hand it out with an invite to contact me for a walk and a cup of coffee. Super low key and easy for the recipient.
Time. It just takes time to move someone from acquaintance to friend. But eventually you get there, promise.
Tamara
I might not have to the mental energy to join a lot of new things, but I see your point. I'll need to deliberately put myself in positions to build and keep social connections. I think swapping of cell phone numbers might be the card of today.
DeleteWhen I was a widow, I was ignored by friends, some felt I might "steal" their husbands, husbands felt I would encourage their wife to leave them. When Dad became a widower, he continued with church, going out to bfast with a mixed group (cheaper) and walking 5 miles a day, met lots of other people out walking also. Mom was single for 20 yrs. She volunteered at senior citizen center and one day a week at a day care. She would go out in evenings for 1/2 price appetizers and drink water. Hubby is a member of a HAM radio group that helps with Homeland security and he helps the Amish. I am not much into having friends, have one from childhood across the state, we text and once a year or so meet up at one of our houses. Have another one, other side of the state we meet near her mom's once a year if possible. The 3rd is out west, we email or FB. When she come this way for the rest of her family we try to meet up. Probably comes from working 7 days a week after school and through summer through Jr high and high school. Never had time to build many friendships when you are never home.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine anyone having the thought that I'd steal their husband, but you were young. I worked a lot when young too, why so many friends were from those times. You have such a busy life with your husband, his parents, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren neighbors...I understand how your time is limited. My life feels small. Three adult children do not need much time and have their own lives. I'm not homesteading in retirement so other than han a simple garden I'll have loads of free time.
DeleteOur support network evolves with time and losses and needs. I am glad you have some.
ReplyDeleteEvolution is the normal and I guess right order in life. I just don't want the world to spin and leave me behind.
DeleteVery timely post as maintaining friendships is something that I have thought about a lot. My friends fall into a few categories: (1) 4 long time neighborhood friends who have kids around the age of my kids. Two still live in the area, while the other 2 have moved away. I see and talk to the 2 who are still local regularly, although they are still working and also have grandkids that keep them busy. Two others moved south, but we still keep in touch by phone.. Since both of the people who have moved have grandkids in our state, we still see both (and just went to a few Christmas markets in France with one of the southern couples);. One friend was widowed in her 50s but remarried last year; (2) friends I met at work or in my former neighborhood 60 miles away. I see them 2-4 times a year. We also text in between sometimes. I reconnected with a friend from my former neighborhood recently and we've managed to meet each other for a meal 3 times this year; (3) my book club friends. I have been in one book club for at least 20 years, and in another for 5. We have had 2 friends in the longer tenure club become widows in their 50s, had one friend get divorced, and a third who lost a child to suicide. We are a great support network to one another. The longer term book club meets monthly, while the 5 year one meets every couple of months (since several of us travel more in retirement). I've also joined a fun book club via Meetup which pairs books with local and regional excursions. The people whom I've met are very nice, but I'm not enough of a regular yet to get to know people more than superficially. (4) far-away friends who live out of state. This group includes my sister, a cousin to whom I am close, 4 dear friends from high school/college,/grad school, and a lovely group of women whom I met via an out of state OLLI program that I visit with on Zoom once or twice a month. I wish they could all live down the street! I have had to work hard at maintaining all of these relationships, but it has been worth it. I used to get a little morose when I hit a short stretch of not hearing from anyone, but I decided to get over myself. Friends can be busy with work, family, or life, can be somewhat disorganized about connecting, or can have personal challenges pop up. I've had several friends who are not great at reaching out thank me for working hard to keep our connection intact. While this may sound mechanical, I keep a list of my friends and family in my Apple Notes program and periodically note when we last connected. As I get older, I've realized how important it is to keep good people in your life. Sorry for the long respomse!
DeleteI also had an interesting experience when I started doing local (easy) group hikes via our parks department as I moved toward retirement. I met two women via the hikes and suggested that we exchange numbers to keep in touch. We met up at some other organized hikes for a while. One woman has become a friend whom I continue to hike with (with coffee and long chats after each hike). The other met up with us at first, but then kept making excuses and often complained about how much she did not like living in our area when we did see her. She eventually fell away. Sometimes, a potential friendship just isn't a good fit.
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