Dreams or Just Plans

   

I don't remember where this photo came from and why it's in my phone. I guess I saved at one time because it felt like my life- broken pieces but so wanting to hold together. 

  I'm still not in a good place mentally, but at least am moving towards realization that this is now my life, without my husband, and navigating however many years I have ahead alone. To say life has changed in two years for my family, collective and individually is an understatement. My focus is on supporting my kids, and trying to find a new direction or purpose myself. 

     I'm burnt out in my job and have officially given a retirement date, even earlier than the original July 2025. I refuse to put myself through the spring chaos of budget and policy season. I thought long and hard about not going back after my knee surgery, but there's too big a financial miss to justify that due to hitting a milestone anniversary on March 3. Plus, I do like my colleagues and having a clean retirement rather than what would feel like running away sits better in my head. I've been clear though to my boss, I am not going to own, at least alone, the impact of some rash decisions, delays, and incompetence. I'm not going to work more hours than my salary is based on. I will take sick time for continued physical therapy or other needs and days off that I've earned. 

     This post started with me trying to capture a few dreams for the future. If not dreams, because dreams seem like for a different life, best laid plans. 

Home: There's a few ( quite a few) unfinished projects. 

• Put my yard to rights. Nothing landscape fancy, but clean up debris and rock areas, get better grass foundation, split and replant in other areas the garage side hostas, get rid of errant trees that have gotten too big and messy, get some bulbs planted, reign in raspberry bushes, and make the yard, front and back, extensions of my home.
• The living room, dining room, and entry need painting. The upstairs bathroom needs a tile back splash and a behind the toilet cabinet inserted. The fireplace needs retiling and the basement family room needs painting. 
• Move office upstairs and guest room downstairs. That'll give my son more space to himself as long as he stays and longer term, more privacy to anyone visiting. 
• Get my youngest daughters room purged and reorganized as a second guest room, but also organized storage. Add a trundle or update to a queen or minimally a full size bed. ( Daybed can go in my office and can get rid of single bed frame serving as a day bed). 

Personal fulfillment

• Figure out how to get my faith or spirituality back. I almost get angry at people quoting religious inspired platitudes my direction. I know they're trying to help me by sharing what helps them. I hate that what used to feel comforting, prayer, reflection, and meditation, feels empty and emotionless. Grief sucks and I want something to help share the pain. 
• Continue to feel stronger and  healthier despite facing obstacles out of my control. Which means,  controlling what I can through healthy eating, exercise, and mindfulness.
• Update budget post retirement to support ongoing projects without feeling financially pressed. Prioritize where my funds go and save in areas where it doesn't matter as much to me. Like my health, put effort into controlling where I can have impact on cash flow.
• Update teaching license for short call substitute teaching. I don't want a locked in schedule, but the opportunity to stay engaged in education on my schedule while filling a need sounds appealing. If it's not a fit, no harm.
• Project with Siobhan on our widow experience. We don't yet know how this might look. It could be a blog, a web site, a book. We've become a lifeline to each other.
• Put closure to the old book. Complete and calling it done even if nothing happens to it, I'll feel achievement. 

Travel and Social 

• Plan for mini get aways no less than once a quarter. I need to get out of my limited geography and take advantage of seasonal opportunities to explore. This may include just a night at either daughter's, experiencing things in their local communities.
• Travel within the next 13 months to the UK to both see the country but visit Siobhan in person. We've been throwing out lots of plans. I may make this a regular trip, exploring different parts of the country and those near. 
• Start saving and planning for a family trip. Greece or maybe Portugal right now are top of mind, and by 2031, when I decide to start taking my pension, is the timeframe- and will include whoever at that time is part of my immediate family (pets excluded).
• Host guests from out of town. I want my home to feel comfortable and welcoming. As friends and family relocate, offering an open door when they come home is a goal. 

     These are what are circulating in my head right now. I know it's a lot and if you read to the end, know this was just a brain purge. Goals, ambitious plans, or just ideas, some may happen and others linger in a blog post.