More Thinking but Better
You all know if you've read a post or two, I use the blog to dump things from my head from time to time. It's like releasing a bit of pressure from my brain. Tuesday's post was that- not so much a post, but a slow turn of a pressure valve, letting the hot steam out. All Tuesday I was off kilter from the strain of a challenging Monday. It was rainy, then stormy. I chose not to drive into the office, which certainly would have been an hour both ways, but the big dog still got his play day at doggie care.
Work remains challenging, but I'm plugging through. A new, not even on my radar, policy change has been added to implement with the other dozen or more coming July 1. My count down is at 59 weeks. However, one of the perplexing life challenges had me questioning that. I had feelings that it would be ridiculous to retire so early with so many unknowns. I felt selfish and shortsighted. I felt guilty that I was deviating from the plan I had with my husband to retire at 62, four years after him, not at 59.
A few ordinary things happened through the day that calmed my nerves and helped me think without that added weight on my brain. One, I wrote up the quick post to get a bit of release. Second, my youngest called to give me warning about tornado watches as she thought I was in the office. She was looking out for me. Third, my older daughter checked in that first, she was safe back at the office after a remote shoot, and later home safe after a long, challenging drive in the downpour. Last, my son and I had a good conversation about several things, including a new approach with his career. We made dinner together ( finally the elusive risotto) then each tried to calm two bothered dogs after a raccoon was sighted in my planter boxes.
Nothing changed in anyone's situation since Monday, but the feelings that the challenges were insurmountable, were kept at bay. I have the two day retirement seminar today and tomorrow so hope to fill the holes in my planning. Then, I'll meet again with my financial planner. Of course, I'll run the numbers again and again as 59 weeks is still a long way out. Maybe I'll end up adding a few more weeks for a better cushion. Maybe all my kids will have a complete surge in their life plan trajectory and my concern with them will level off. Even if things stay challenging and rocky, that I'll keep having wobbles from time to time, I know things can be ok.
We all need an outlet and like you, my blog too is sometimes that. I get your comment about feeling guilty about deviating from the retirement scheme you and your husband planned. I suspect he would say that life changes, without our permission, and that means plans change, and that you need to do what is best for you, not just financially, but personally, emotionally, and in all other ways. From everything you have written about him and your marriage, he would be encouraging you to do that. Hugs, Sam, hugs.
ReplyDeleteI know my husband, always practical, would be guiding me towards early retirement too. Just feels scary as it gets closer.
DeleteI journal as well, and fit it helpful to just release things from my mind (a bit, at least). What's even more helpful for me is meditation. I use Headspace (the app) & do a 5 minute meditation most days. It gives me just a little bit more ability to have perspective on challenging situations. Regardless of what you decide for retirement, you've got this! So happy it's close for you, even if it's a few months beyond your current projection. (Hawaii Planner)
ReplyDeleteYou all have been a life long as a support system. I appreciate all the reassurance I get repeatedly.
DeleteRisotto is a funny meal in this house. DH can't stand it, but my kids love it, so I tend to make it when DH is somewhere else, only one or two kids are around to eat. There's something about the cooking process of risotto that lends itself to a sense of companionship and conversation. Full confession: Often the risotto is dished in bowls and eaten on the couch in front of the t.v. to reruns of a favorite show based on which kids are present, something which is still generally forbidden. "Breaking Bad," "The Royle Family" and "The Vicar of Dibley" have all been dining entertainment.
ReplyDeleteRisotto is easy -difficult. It is putsy to get just right, then can get gummy quickly. No confessions needed for me. We regularly eat in living room. Bad habit after older kids were out of house.
DeleteBlogging can sometimes be like therapy shared as a discussion with good friends. Listening ears are always nice to have around.
ReplyDeleteYou don't act rashly, and in the end will make your best decisions for your future.
You're all great listeners. I am scared of both retiring and not. I'm scared I'll make choices that will leave me unable to help my kids. Irrational I know.
DeleteI sense no matter how much wobble you will come back standing up.
ReplyDeleteWe had a day like your miserably wet Monday yesterday, I find it a real struggle to stay positive when the weather's grim. I'm not a planner, I can't even tell you what I'll be wearing when I leave the house in 20 minutes time, but I admire anyone who is. xxx
ReplyDeleteYesterday was near perfect and today promises the same. Things financially and with medical system is complicated here, we have to be good planners.
DeleteSome days when I blog, I think that one day I will need to know what happened on a certain day.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet, do you? I can see that it might be a record of sorts.
DeleteSometimes a good night's sleep is all that's needed to feel better isn't it. Everything tends to feel "black" at night and then morning comes and while nothing may have changed, the weight on your shoulders feels lighter!
ReplyDeleteThat's my tossing and figuring out life time. What's good sleep?
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