Thinking About Family
Life is unpredictable, and scary, and overwhelming some times. Having family that can help through all the uncertainty has been my lifeline, even with the challenges. I love my children more than life, which is why their sadness, disappointment, stress, and anxiety fills me with those same emotions. Their happiness is equally shared.
Recently my son moved back to our home state and will live with me for the immediate calendar. From a practical perspective, cultures that promote multi generational living have gotten it right. Collectively, I feel like we can make better decisions and leverage each other's strengths and mitigate our deficits in a single household. It's just not the American way though is it? Independence and self reliance is the optimal goal. Heaven forbid going what's perceived as backwards to regroup by living again with a parent or sibling.
My son needs time to think about his career and living plans. California sucked so much out of him, but I'm so proud he pursued his dream for nearly a decade. Moving cross country and building a life alone couldn't have been easy. He's smart and hard working, so this reset period should hopefully set him up for the next 2/3rds of his life.
I read other bloggers that have either permanently or temporarily have had adult children rejoin their households. I've appreciated thinking back on what I've read to get honest takes on both the challenges, but also the joys. For some it was divorce that changed life. Illness, either by child or parent also seemed a catalyst for sharing a home. Others, the economy and reality that it's really expensive out there, and money can be saved by combining living arrangements was the impetus. Some adult children it seems just needed to be closer to family, and build/ rebuild connections. For my son, it's a combination of the two latter. Losing his dad, though he's not one to discuss his grief much, plus genuinely enjoying his time back last summer, gave him new perspective. He's now seeing opportunity in Minnesota and living near family compared to his past self seeing limitations. Wisdom comes with age I guess.
I want to walk back misconstrued thoughts about my in-laws. They all do have my family's best interest at heart, love me and my children, and if I asked for help, it would certainly come. Individually, some in-laws have differing opinions from me on what's in our best interest and don't always back off from that view. I want my children, heck myself too, to have positive and loving relationships with all. Those can thrive if we have boundaries. I have two sister that don't always accept that too, so I know boundary pushing can happen from either side of my family.
I write all these because I lie awake many nights, trying to plan for the unknown and the scary, like getting my knee and health back and retirement. But, I lie awake also thinking about my dreams for bright futures for my kids. I don't mean riches, but positive and good people, extended family included, family by choice as well, who are supportive, non judgemental, and can help ease the bumps in the road but moreso, celebrate joys. Isn't that what all of us want when we choose to become parents? Isn't that what we want for ourselves?
The most valuable behavior of those wanting to "help" us through severe grief/loss, is to LISTEN and SUPPORT. Telling is off-limits and for me, alienated them. This is the behavior that alienates.
ReplyDeleteI've never perceived a negative feeling from you regarding the in-laws but rather, they are not listening and acknowledging your needs/feelings and are trying to direct your choices. No one walks in your shoes, not even others who've buried a spouse. You lost your life-partner and that's different from son/brother.
Being an immigrants from a country of multi-generational living, the American culture indeed is mobile and singular. My first semester of Nursing school had us in 'Nursing Home' for clinical. I cried every day when I left at how the elderly were treated. It broke my heart. We kept each of my parents in their home to the last breath. Neither of them expected this and were so grateful.
Hugs to you as you continue forward along with your children to forge a life unexpected.
Thank you. I appreciate that I have support, but yes, I don't want others directing me. I'm grateful my parents remained home too.
DeleteTo thy own self be true! You do you and what makes you happy - that is very important at this stage of life.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like I'm on a pause, but want so much better for my kids.
Deletethe Amish have the youngest son remain in the home while they move to the Dawdy house attached to home or on the same property.We have one that had NO sons so his nephew and family moved in.
ReplyDeleteThat's sure different than "typical" American living.
DeleteBeautifully said. I'm with you on the multi-generational living acceptance. Both of our kids went away to college, and neither moved back home right after graduation. However, through job changes and relationship changes, both have moved back for various periods of time. I often joke that we are the "Home for Wayward Adults." Our daughter (37) moved back to our NJ home a year ago after her rent in Washington DC skyrocketed, since her job is 100% remote. We are retired and are doing longer trips now, so it is nice to have someone to take in the mail and keep an eye on the house. She's a neat freak (and I-am not), so she does home organizing projects while we are away. My spices are now in glass jars and in alpha order! Her boyfriend lives on the other side of the country, so it is nice for her to visit him for a couple of weeks at a time without paying major city rent. Our son is married to my beloved DIL who is originally from Asia. Intergenerational living is widely accepted in her family's culture, so they opted to live with my DIL's family for about a year after my grandson's birth-this was immensely helpful after my DIL went back to her mostly remote job after maternity leave.
ReplyDeleteI know for him it's temporary- he's too independent, but I do think he appreciates the space. I know I'll appreciate having him in the house once I move forward with the knee.
DeleteJre I understand all you express. As a young widow at 40 that was different. The empty nest was tough, being alone as my youngest went away to college but 4 years later he moved back in. He lived with me for about 5 years till he bought his now current home. His girlfriend (now wife)was two years younger and went away to college also spent a lot of time here. She worked in the cities and visited often for several years after graduation so people in and out! In that time, that goes so fast!! So now about 10 years later 4 kids married and 13 grandkids. A granddaughter moved in for about 6 weeks to diffuse mom/daughter life and she’s now back home. But as I’ve mentioned before my challenge continues to not worry/ have anxiety or get over involved (which has not been easy). I think having a soft place to land has been a glue for our family.
ReplyDeleteSoft space to land, I hope that's what I'm providing. It also should be a clear space to relaunch too.
DeleteAdult kids living with parents...eh, this is a HARD topic for me to find a position on. Granted, my situation is far different. I, frankly, couldn't wait to leave my family home for any number of reasons, and my parents made it clear that was to be expected. Honestly,, they made my time as a college student home on break miserable, and the launch period after earning my degree more so. Yet I had several siblings (brothers, which is part of it....remember my upbringing wasn't fully Americanized) who never left, (went to the local college and conducted their adult life from the parental home) or bounced back, as it were because they found it more comfortable than forging ahead. Interestingly, my parents lived with my paternal grandfather for a time during their marriage, and when my eldest brother was an infant. It was a time my mother did not recall fondly. Of course, she was not from an immigrant family, so expectations may have been misunderstood. It was made clear to ME by my parents that my remaining in the family home beyond time to be regroup after earning my degree would not be acceptable absent certain conditions (financial conditions which would gall the average American, particularly women) and the regroup time was uncomfortable to say the least. Well, I swore I would behave differently than my parents (who doesn't?) I always wanted my kids to know they could do things on their own, but never feel they HAD to. I may have overcorrected as I have one kid who has no desire to go ANYWHERE, and it pains me, even though he and I get along well. My DH thinks it's, if not great for the kid, great for him, as he is guaranteed a son at home. (DH fears the empty nest.) If he had HIS way we would have lived with HIS mother, or her us. (Nope.) In any case, All I see is wasted potential, dirty dishes, and laundry. Granted, my kids probably don't feel about me the way I did about my parents at their age. I wanted to FLEE. That said, if this is a choice, and the terms are clear, I think a multi generational household is a wonderful thing, for all I would love to drop kick my own timid bird out of the nest and into the middle of adulthood, and wouldn't have managed three months with my own MIL or parents. I could see myself making it work with my kids, some more so than others. And there's the rub, no? What works for o e family might not for another, and what works for one family member might not for another. All this to say, I think, from what I have read over the years, you have an enviable relationship with all your kids. Enjoy the time with your son in the house. Time flies they say, but I only seem to recognize that in retrospect.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping this time is more roommate, but that's probably unrealistic as it's my house and he's my son. Enviable might be a stretch. All my kids and I have had up and down and back again periods. The last 14 months being the most down I could imagine.
DeleteBoth of our sons lived at home after college for a few years (while fully employed). They both moved out with very healthy nest eggs. They were fun to have around and helped out too. One of my friends thought it was unhealthy that they lived with us, but she had a strained relationship with her own parents and one of her sons, so I didn't let it bother me. I think it's a win-win situation.
ReplyDeleteHe needs to get re-engaged here, find friends that stayed in the area, hobbies, etc. while figuring out work. He hasn't really lived in the area since 2008, so starting over in lots of ways.
DeleteI think having your son at home is a wonderful thing, especially now. You two need each other and I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I lived at home until I was almost 25. I did work full time and was also in school during the evenings. As long as I wasn't goofing off and being lazy, my parents didn't care. We will be the same way with our son. It is very tough out there unless people have a two-income household or roommates.
ReplyDeleteHe's well past 30, so this is a massive change for him. I'll use his help while I know he wants to move forward soon. I suspect at least through any surgery and recovery he'll stay here.
DeleteHeartfelt and beautiful. I am a believer in multi-generational homes too.
ReplyDeleteWhile temporary, it solves some immediate issues for us.
DeleteWe had return "visits" with 2 of our 3 sons. We do have a large house, it was never a real space imposition on us, and helped them a little to figure out what their next steps were.
ReplyDeleteAs long as it works for all parties I think it can be wonderful, plus it enables you to get to know your kids as adults. I personally enjoyed just being Mom instead of mothering them.
I've plenty of space too, except storage space for things he doesn't need now. I need to figure out roommate mode, and not mothering as you say so well.
DeleteSam,
ReplyDeleteBeing independent helps the American economy and the businesses. If two kids are at home, they are not buying two refrigerators, two washing machines, two dryers...you get it. So, we need one person living in one apartment or one home, living all alone and supporting the economy instead of saving their money they worked for over the years and eventually going on to their own home they have saved to buy. I suppose rentals are depending on 'independence' to support the landlords and appliance manufacturers.
I think that two or more generations living in the same home is smart as long as their is mutual respect. It seems your children and you are working the way extended family should work.
Yes, there is a lot of added consumerism with duplicating households. I'm worried about my family's personal economy, not the landlords and manufacturers.
DeleteIntergenerational living can be good. I see it with the Turkish families at the market. Grandma takes care of the kids so that the daughters/DILs can work, and so on. Just like the Chinese market. That's how they get ahead. I, however, would NOT have wanted to live with my inlaws full-time (or my own parents), much as I liked them. It was just too overpowering. I love having my own space but also enjoyed having my kids live here for x amount of time. It allowed them to save money and all worked out well in the end. I think "having a soft space to land" is about right. Get the help when you need it and then hit that springboard! I'm sure you'll enjoy having your son with you, and then be glad for him when he relaunches!
ReplyDeleteI hope it's like your son, a 9 month-ish time. Get us through the holidays, looking forward to a fresh start for him in the New Year.
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