Milestone Markers
I remember the day I turned 56. Two days later I would be officially older than my sister was when she passed away. More profound in my and my siblings markings was a year and half later when my younger sister turned 56 and two days, because now, J would forever be the youngest.
I know from my own pain and what I witnessed from my husband after losing his younger sister, losing a brother or sister, especially unexpectedly, is so hard. I've forgotten, or least not really understood, what my husbands sister and brother have been experiencing the last 15 months. Maybe I was expecting something different than what I witnessed. Maybe I'm so focused on my own grief and that of my children, I don't see. I can never know what they feel in their hearts and minds.
Today my sister-in-law is one day older than my husband was when he passed away, making her now the oldest sibling at 61 years, five months and nine days. I don't know why day markers mean anything to me, but I have a feeling she noted this date too. I popped a card in the mail just to let her know I was thinking about her and wishing her peace and comfort.
It's her son that is so sick right now, was improving even if slow. However, now has developed another issue, and a new round of figuring out the best treatment. He's also the same age as their sister was when she had the accident and spent five months hospitalized before passing away, so sad deja vu of days upon days at the hospital. I don't know why some families seem to get hit repeatedly with stressful life events, or maybe it just feels like it when it's your family. I'm thankful right now my kids are all healthy, and hoping for strength and healing for my nephew.
Oh, Sam, so many hugs to you. Just this morning I was talking with someone (we had childhood connections) and we talked about my older brother, who died several years ago. His death made me "the oldest" in the family. There are times when my youngest brother and I talk about this; "baby brother" is a year and 6 weeks from matching our older brother's age when he died, and he too sometimes stops mid-sentence when that realization rolls over him. Sibling grief is just different, somehow.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having these memories right now. It does seem like bad things happen in short time spans within families. I am just thankful for any and every good moment we have because no one is spared adversity. We lost TheHub's brother, father and mother in a few month timespan. N ot only that but TheBub. and his brother shared the same birthday, so each year his "day" holds some sadness that will continue for the rest of his life . We try to mitigate it by always mentioning something funny he said or did during his life. Lucky for us we have a lot of material to draw from.
ReplyDeleteMy mum has now lost all of her siblings, 1 older and 3 younger, with the youngest, who was my favourite uncle, dying at 62. Two died in February, the same month as my dad. It's a tough time of year for us, though some years hit harder than others. Hoping for better news and healing for your nephew.xx
ReplyDeleteI'm having problems signing in, this was from me, Scarlet x
DeleteSending hugs! I hope that your nephew will soon be feeling better. Life can be so stressful at times.
ReplyDeleteI had the thought that the worst times of my life happened during even number years, and the best times were during odd years. We got married in an odd year, and my children were born in odd years. My parents and other loved ones died in even years, and I was diagnosed with cancer in an even year. I always breathe a sigh of relief when an even year ends, and I hope for the best this election year too.
I am now the oldest in our family group of siblings and cousins, all our parents having died, apart from one uncle who is seriously ill. It feels like a big responsibility. My husband, the 3rd eldest of 10 children, is now the oldest, his 2 elder siblings having died....his parents passed away some years ago. I hope your nephew improves very soon.
ReplyDeleteI was 18 when my beautiful, sweet, 6 years older sister unexpectedly died. I had arrived for my freshman year at college just two weeks earlier. I will never, ever forget that call. My eldest son was born 8 years later to the day...as if I would ever forget the moment my favorite person, the person I loved most in the world, was now only a memory. I always think my brothers had a far different experience with that grief, as they still had me. Fact is, though, you could ask any one of my many brothers or me at any point from birth on who my parents' favorite was, and we'd have all said her. And we would have said that matter-of-factly, and responded that she was our favorite as well.
ReplyDeleteIt is particularly awful to have losses so close. My oldest brother died (tragically) 6w before Dad (expected) and I was just 33yo. 13years later my BIL died tragically leaving my 57yo sister widowed and then followed shortly after by Mom. I share the "why our family" thought with you.
ReplyDeleteI truly believe those of us who can talk about death and the feelings we have are healthier for it mentally. I hope you'll keep thinking out loud here on your blog! Hugs to you.
Hugs. It was so nice of you to think of her and send a card x
ReplyDeleteI am missing my sister so much now, as I approach retirement in a few weeks. We had so many plans to travel and do things together. It was very thoughtful of you to send your SIL a card. I hope her son continues to improve. I think of you and your children as well. It's so hard to lose loved ones.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to read the love and support you have here in the comments. Being the oldest in the siblings I better go first as I don't want to see them go before me.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya UR. Being 33 when oldest sibling killed himself and my youngest sister just 26yo with a newborn. It was awful! I have 3 more older siblings 70-74yo. Time will tell.
DeleteI am the oldest of five. So, when my brother just younger than me dropped dead with a heart attack and my sil called, I screamed for a bit while rocking in the bed, phone thrown down. It was soooo hard on me for him to die. I was supposed to die first! That was in December of 2001 when my best friend died from a house fire in May and of course 911 happened which happens to be my birthday. The trauma that year was horrific, and then he died in December! I was the only sibling who had known him all his life. He was not close with the younger siblings. He was only 14 months younger than I. Sibling death is hard, especially when you are older than the one who died.
ReplyDeleteI am glad your nephew is getting better even if there are new issues.
I guess I had never really thought of date markers as such. I've not lost a sibling as of yet. My mother often talks about her siblings she lost at young ages for various reasons. The quote sounds very fitting for the situation.
ReplyDeleteI do hope your nephew improves, what a worry that must be.
ReplyDeleteI used to work with a woman whose sister ran away from home when she was 15, I can't imagine how it must have been like for her (or her parents), wondering where she was for over 30 years. xx
Big hugs to you & your SIL, and sending good thoughts that your nephew is on the mend! (Hawaii Planner)
ReplyDeleteThis was a really helpful
ReplyDeletepost for me , so thank you .
I have a complicated relationship with Tonys siblings , and have pretty much avoided all contact with them since he died . Your post has made me rethink
Thinking of your nephew and sending positive thoughts for a return to health .
My niece is 32 weeks pregnant with her second baby - rushed to hospital with suspected DVT in lung , dehydration and irregular heartbeat - I am anticipating an emergency C section . Everyone worried
Siobhan x