Yes's and No's

      Before my husband passed away, I was trying to make more effort saying yes to things I might have passed on for anxiousness, ambivalence, or laziness. Gatherings with large groups that I only knew a few people, impromptu concerts in the community, meet-ups with people that I've lost regular touch with, new experiences, or places to visit were all going to  be added. Then my world collapsed and I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't need any more new experiences, life was hellishly filled with new things that I've never had to do and people inserted into my life out of necessity; neither experiences or people wanted or asked for.

     As the six month mark passed, his birthday, our anniversary, the holidays approaching, I was hitting lower points of prolonged grief. I sought therapy again. She helped me compartmentalize my feelings, and help make sense of what felt like contradiction. The biggest take away was that I get to, no need to, decide when I participate in something and when it's ok to pass. She helped remind me that no one else was experiencing exactly what I am, regardless of their intentions, because everyone's life was different. My MIL saying you just need to keep moving forward, you need to still be part of family events, you need to be thankful for the time you had with him, worked for her, but wasn't necessarily for me. (Mind you, she had no in-laws of any kind when she became a widow as my FIL was an only child and his parents were deceased.) She said these things not to be mean, but because that's what she did. 

     So this leads me to think about my Yes's and No's lately, and going forward. Deciding factors include how much time have I spent alone, do I enjoy the company of the person I'll be with alone, or if a group, is the size comfortable- and if overwhelmed, is there an escape hatch?  Is the activity or event important to me and not just an obligation. If an obligation, is there an alternative? That's a tricky one. Then there's pragmatic factors like time commitment, schedule (do I want to change my schedule, even if that's just a planned night of rest), and let's face it, money. I wasn't this intentional in the last month, but to an extent leveraged these points before agreeing and doing or not doing something.

Yes's

Game night at church. I was on the fence, but remembered how much I enjoyed the bowling night. It was essentially a free evening of entertainment, plus I got time with one friend who was happy to come too as she's been dealing with her husbands health issues and needed a night out. 

Church Sunday morning. I like a good lie in as much as the next person, but have felt detached again from my faith. With the expected snow and slow going entering the work week, decided this was a good day to get out of the house, be in fellowship, listen to music and messages, and reflect outside my house. 

Dinner with my mom friends last night. I'm not the only one that needs people to lean on. One friends husband has had multiple surgeries in 6 months from colon cancer. ( He's doing well, but what a journey)Another just was diagnosed with breast cancer. They deserve every ounce of my support that they gave me. 

Dinner Thursday with my husband's aunt. I'm meeting up with his aunt who is only 6 years older than my husband and was more like a big sister than aunt. Her kids and my older two grew up together. She's got a lot of health issues, mental and physical, so I know reaching out to me was a big step for her. I have always had a friend relationship with her, so was happy to accept. 

Chanhassen Dinner Theater matinee in April. Paid for my ticket for an end of April dinner theater, Beautiful, the music of Carol King. I'm joining 3 sisters, cousin in-law, and her daughter. This will not be inexpensive, but the company, the meal, and the show are all joys.

No's

Easter with my husband's family. Holidays with them are just overwhelming for me as they tend to be all day occasions. Instead, I'm taking my MIL out the day before for lunch. 

A women's tea/ luncheon suggested by my SIL to take MIL. It's 45 minutes away near SILs house. She'd no doubt want people to stop over after and I'd be the driver for MIL, so no less than a 5 hour commitment. It's on a Saturday in May when I've got loads of outdoor work to do. It's also $50 a person, quite a lot for lunch. I'd rather stop by one night with flowers and dessert to show appreciation. 

Movie with my daughter's. Dune was not something I was eager to see even though I do enjoy an occasional movie in a theater. Spending $12 on a ticket for a movie that's meh to me is not appealing. Plus, this meant we didn't have to leave the kitten alone. The girls got their time together and I used the time to clean. Have I mentioned the wake of chaos daughter and kitty produce?

     I hope I don't sound like I'm avoiding my in-laws. It's more just balancing time in short spurts and small numbers. I'm thinking forward to summer too when likely I'll just do day trips to the cabin, with maybe a few overnight stays. That's easier on pup, and will make it easier for my youngest to be there more if she can leave kitten at my house if her roommate isn't home to care for him. 

     I might continue this Yes-No theme in future blog posts, more for my own journaling. 

     I haven't even looked out the windows yet to see what the Monday -Tuesday snow system is leaving. Yesterday was a lot of heavy wet snow. My daughter came from her house with dog after she got out, savings time for what could be an awful commute for her today. I'll bring her dog to the doggy daycare so he gets good play.