Trying to Find My Own Good
I feel like I'm putting too much on my kids to fulfill the good things in my life. I don't have any expectations of them, that's not what I mean. It's just their lives, and them being happy in their careers, friendships, relationships, and hobbies is all that matters to me right now. I just continue to go through the motions in my own life.
I'm not looking for advise, just pouring my thoughts into the keyboard. I know so many of my readers are widows as well and I appreciate that they've shared their experiences. No doubt they all know some of what I'm feeling, and managed this stage of nothingness better or maybe just the same as me.
It hasn't helped having two doses of illness that left me housebound for at least a week each. The one year mark of widowhood hit hard. How I got through this year without completely falling apart is amazing in hindsight. I guess that was good...I kept plugging along. I've always just tried to get through January, from my daughter's birthday onward. I truly meant I need to have things to look forward to- January in particular. Getting sick derailed so many of those things, sending me very much in a crabby funk. Now we're several days into February and my spirit isn't much lighter, but I'm trying.
Reality must set in. I am truly a widow; a single woman, solely in charge of every aspect of my life. That sounds exciting when applied to my daughters; the whole world lays ahead of them in possibilities. For me, it's terrifying. I didn't even make my own vacation plans, but rather am tagging along with my sister's and their husbands. Home projects were necessary requirements to keep the house in repair, comfortable and functional, rather than aspirational. The bathroom walls are boring paint with no character yet. If I have any goals for the year, it's to just stop being paralyzed to live my life.
My kids are all trying to manage in their own ways. The youngest is just so lost in not knowing what to do. She wants to pursue work or grad school away from home, but too anxiety filled to act. My oldest is going to relocate, jump start his life again. My middle kid, older daughter, has had her own challenges, missing her dad as she navigates home ownership. I'm hoping my suggestions to create three week, three month, six months, and one year plans are helpful. I need to follow my own suggestions, but for now, I want them each to have good things in their life. That will be enough good for me. 
I feel like I'm riding through life in an old truck, not going anywhere, just stagnant while traffic moves around me. Funny that I had this picture taken in a park last fall, months before, to put an image to my thoughts.
I'm taking your advice, I need things to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteWe can stagnate doing the same things day after day.
Nothing grand just little things.
I planted seeds in my green house yesterday.
Now I'm awaiting their sprouting.
Just watching my new bulldog puppy play in the sun
is a joy. A new book to read.
Small joys!
I agree the small joys really help get through a rough day. I've got my daughter's kitty here as she has a long class day for her job, and we'll have a movie night. Both the kitten funny and spending time making homemade pizza and a movie make a long week better.
DeletePlease tell me you're gonna go back and ride that little truck, even if just for a few seconds!!!! But you're right, your children have their own lives to live, and while at their age it is often full of excitement, as we get older it may feel more intimidating. But I have every faith in you - it'll just take the time it takes!
ReplyDeleteOh goodness, that would be a sight. I'd need a crane to get me back up. Yeah, the world will keep going even if I shut myself in.
DeleteI am sure your daughters feel a certain responsibility for you. As much as you want them to be happy and excited about their lives, they most likely want the same for you. I am not excluding your son's feelings, but he lives away and there is just a difference when you are local.
ReplyDeleteYou need to grieve in your own way, but it is OK to give yourself permission to enjoy things also.
The youngest worries something will happen and she won't be near. Of course she can't live that way. We'll get to a better place eventually.
DeleteMy new friend ( the woman I wrote about on my last post) unexpectedly lost her husband, the love of her life, when they were both 36. They had three young sons - all under the age of 6. She spent 15 years living for them, never travelling or socialising, cutting herself off from any friends she had and just existing. Two years ago she turned 50 and decided it was time she started living, she joined a networking group, made some new friends and on her second holiday since her rebirth she bumped into me. Her sons tell her that they couldn't be more proud of her and are thrilled that their mum has finally got a life of her own. She's doing everything she never thought she'd ever do including horse riding.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, you are in charge of your own life and in time you're find a way of living that brings you joy. If you get to the UK and fancy seeing Birmingham I'll try and be there! xxx
I'm happy for her, and hope she now has the life she deserves. I've got a lot of planning to do, but your day trips to Birmingham look very cool
DeleteI am so sorry Sam. Those bouts of sickness couldn't have come at a worse time, although there really isn't a good time to be sick, is there. I'm glad that you have some things to look forward to, and the trip with your sisters sounds fun. Maybe keep writing; sometimes it helps to write out our thoughts. We will be here to offer support. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt was bad timing. Writing my thoughts helps keep me from imploding emotionally. I appreciate the support.
DeleteYour children are concerned about you making it through this hard transition in life. You're right that they have their own lives to live. I have to tell myself that mentally when it comes to Bailey and let her live her life without me "needing" her if that makes sense. It's hard some days to be alone, but I don't want her to feel like she has to keep me company, so I do my best to tell myself she has the right to live her life without me expecting too much from her, which is what my Mom did to me and I won't do that to Bailey. Mom wanted me right there, by her all the time, it was unrealistic. So I pray that you navigate these waters peacefully and with wisdom.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had that experience with your mom. I guess to a certain extent, I had that with my parents too, but with so many siblings, we spread the time.
DeleteBeing a widow isn't easy by any means. One show does not fil all. Every struggle and pain is different for the person suffering. It took me 4 years to really start doing things and going out with others. Take your time and you will know what is right for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed how some women have been able to create new lives. Of course I know they miss their spouse, but so brave to invest in themselves. You do that it seems Cheryl.
DeleteI have no personal experience with what you are going through, but like other readers I am here. You and our kids supporting each other is, I think, very caring and loving.
ReplyDeleteMy children are loving and kind. I'm fortunate to have them.
DeleteI hear you Sam
ReplyDeleteMy son has just marked his first birthday without his father
I am finding it impossible to find a direction in life without Tony
Siobhan x
The kid's birthdays without their dad were hard here too. Slowly, slowly, I think is how we figure it out Siobhan. But, neither of us need to have anyone else's timeline. I'm both looking forward and dreading my vacation if that makes sense? It'll be my test. I'll have my sister's for reinforcement, one who went through this when her boys were just 16, 14, and 8. She's been remarried for 28 years.
DeleteOn the illness front, I find getting sick bothers me much more than usual, particularly in the winter. I was sick for about a week, and was do depressed by the end, even though objectively I was fine, life was fine, it wasn't a big deal.
ReplyDeleteI know you know this, but maybe it helps when others say it. It's been a year. Give yourself some grace. I think it's perfectly natural to not know exactly how to form your revised life, and to not know what you need & want in this place you weren't expecting to be. That's okay. I doubt it will be like this forever, and you will take small steps that will eventually bring you to a different place. You are currently likely in a time of observing & grieving, not so much moving. That doesn't mean that's how it will always be. You've got this.
I hated being sick, and having my head so full of both nothing and everything if that makes sense. I know grief is part of life, and at some point I'll find direction.
Delete.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is sad and that's OK to not be OK. It doesn't have to be reasoned or medicated or solved. I am glad though you are surrounded by Love here in the comments.
That's good that it's ok to not be. It's my existence most days. The people in blog world have been wonderful.
DeleteI had to push my kids to keep focused on doing what was best for them , not best for taking care of ME. Two years after I became a widow, my Dad became a widower. He then understood my choices. I had to step out of my comfort zone and add new friends thru church.
ReplyDeleteI second hand heard a statement said, not necessarily about me, but could read between the lines with the context, that this person was done hand holding. I didn't think I had been a burden to that person, but in hindsight, probably have been. Yes, I need to be self sufficient. I need to figure things out or at least try first. I'm a bit hurt, but I guess it's the kick I maybe needed.
Delete