Testing the Waters

       I've missed blogging. I blogged for nearly nine years in a previous iteration. It was a daily ritual during the long hiatus from regular life that the Covid pandemic created. Even as the world, my world, opened up again, the clicking away on my phone or computer keyboard, reading comments if something I said had any resonance, and reading and commenting on other blogs in return became my morning norm. Life sure is unpredictable. A year ago, just after Christmas, I had read of the tragic loss of my blogger friend's husband who passed away on Christmas morning, then read one of her readers lost her husband the same week. Never would I imagine just a few weeks later would I be joining that unasked for club, faced with my own widow story. But there it is. I've had to try and figure out life in this unplanned and foreign place. I'm not a young widow, having raised and launched three children, but at now 58, feel too young to be thought of in the same space as my 83-year-old mother-in-law. And yet, I am.  

     I don't know what this blog will be about yet, or even if it continues. I'm truly testing the waters. Financially, I am OK, not wealthy, but able to keep the wolves from my door. I want to travel, invest in my home to make it as comfortable a respite as I can, spend quality time with family and friends, and indulge in hobbies, old or newfound. I'd like to retire from my full-time job in about 18 months, freeing up time for all the latter. That will take planning, saving, and wise use of my time and money. The blog won't be a frugality blog per se, but I guess my chronicle of trying to live an economically good life, with "sips of Champagne" as Cheap Chick*, would say. This is a new road of life that is focused on my family, but with only me taking a turn in the driver's seat. 

     There's all kinds of secondary losses when my husband passed away unexpectedly at 61, just 8 months before he planned to retire. I miss him terribly and everything about our life we had. I'm living with all the additional things that fell apart and now have pieces to pick up and put together. No doubt the pattern, the assembly, the result is going to be different. I hate making decisions about major things alone. For some, I've just ignored and kicked the can down the road to figure out later. Other things I've jumped on probably too quickly, aggressively, trying to force myself to move forward. I'm learning I need to both slow down and not be afraid to act, while I make thoughtful plans to implement whatever needs to be done. 

     I've had a wonderful support system. I could not have gotten out of bed some days if it wasn't for my kids, my sisters and brothers, my neighbors, and my friends. My work colleagues have been phenomenal, respecting my skills and knowledge, but understanding there are days I'm just not "on" and need grace. I need to stand upright a bit more on my own now, but I'm so grateful to know these people are all still here. I've been able to be there for others too, and I'm glad I had enough resiliency to put others ahead of my grief when they truly needed me. 

     What's the story with Sam Squared? S-A-M are my initials. Interesting, if I double each letter, that gives the first letter for me, my husband, my son, my older daughter, my younger daughter, and then our last name. SS AA MM or Sam^2. Maybe not mathematically right but works for me. It keeps my husband close and my family in my vision at all times. So the blog will be, Sam Squared, for now. I hope to reconnect with old friends and hope to find new ones through these words. If we don't know each other yet, welcome. If you found me again, I hope you stick around. 

     *Tammy wrote a blog for many years titled Living Rich on the Cheap, and sadly passed away in the fall of 2021. She was a lovely person and I have thought of her often. This revamp of my blog is dedicated to both my husband and to her.