On Having Things to Look Forward To
I'm not a miserable person, just lonely often and sad as I still am in grief. I might always be in a state of grief. I'm trying to settle into a new way of being, with most nights alone. I'm trying to get things, big and little on my calendar, even if it's just noting a sporting even or movie premiere to watch on the television. I don't want to get back in the mindless habit of too much television watching though.
In addition to things like church and a new church group for over 50's, weekly trivia, and my monthly book club, I look forward to any get together with my kids, my family, and friends. Despite this, I feel gloomy too often. I feel like I need at least one major event or experience to look forward to each month. Then, in addition to the semi-regular interactions, I can push aside the sad with looking forward. Here's what I got so far.
January-This is already going to be a hard and emotional month. I will need a lot of uplifting moments to keep myself from sinking too low.
- Dinner out and maybe host dessert/ game night for my daughter's 23 birthday. Dinner out one of the three weekend nights is a given.
- Puzzle/ Game party for a friend's birthday. Sadly last year, the inaugural event, was the Saturday after DH died. It went on as most of her friends are not friends in common. I'm looking forward to being part of this eclectic group.
- Local theater production and dinner out with my girls and mother-in-law. I bought the tickets in early December as part of MIL's Christmas present.
February - This will be a busy month as things just sort of filled the weekend calendars without thought.
- "Pal-entines" gathering for my daughter and nieces non-profit at our local brewery. I'm spreading the word and hope they have a good turnout.
- Super Bowl Sunday. If I'm not invited anywhere, which is unlikely, I'll put the word out and get pizza and snacks and beverages for anyone else without plans.
- My cruise to the Eastern Caribbean with three sisters and their husbands. This is two weekends full of activity as it's a Sunday-Sunday itinerary and we're going a day early and meeting up with our brother.
That's it. March onward isn't looking busy, so I'm going to do a bit of research on what might be options. I've not been a big St Patrick's day celebrant but maybe this year I will. Maybe I'll schedule some day trips with a friend. Maybe my sister, who used to love road trips with her husband before he passed away four years ago, would like a long weekend somewhere? I'm happy to take any suggestions.
We've still not had a typical Minnesota winter. I guess tonight snow might come in and continue through tomorrow. The next chance for a lot of snow they say is Thursday. I had bought DH snow shoes last year for Christmas and he never got to try them out. They appear to work for my boot size too, so I'd like to give them a go. The plan had been to test them last year and if we both enjoyed, we'd get another pair to spend outdoor winter time together. He liked the gift very much. It will be bittersweet to use them, but maybe a hobby that will help me feel like I'm with him in spirit. We have loads of great places with groomed and ungroomed marked trails. March is often one of the snowiest months, so should be able to fill some days using the snow shoes.
Anyone else challenged to find things to keep you busy with enjoyable activities? As a social introvert, I both like time alone, but thrive on opportunities to be part of social activities. Those who live alone, how do you fill long weekends when it seems everyone else is always on the go? Does it get easier?
Love that you have so many fun sounding plans. It all helps. A cruise sounds fantastic. I love to hear about others taking cruises - I could not do it. I am deathly afraid of water - and well the ocean is a lot of water!!!! Have a good day!
ReplyDeleteMy sister terms cruises lazy vacation because you don't even need to think. We are water people so no concerns there.
DeleteSam, you're living through the year of firsts. So many events & days that instigate a grief reaction aren't marked on a holiday calendar, like those snowshoes awaiting a trial run. It sounds like you're engaged in life at the same time working through your grief. Yes, it does get easier.
ReplyDeleteI feel like my limbs have been tied behind me and all I do is watch others happy and busy lives. It's just hard. Thank you for saying it will get easier, but it's not now.
DeleteI make plans and cancel
ReplyDeleteNot motivated to do much , and now retired I spend too much time on my sofa
It’s grief.And I may spend the rest of my life on a sofa
Was due to start choir tonight , but no longer find joy in singing
It’s my birthday on Friday - my first without Tony - and girlfriends want to take me out tomorrow for a non birthday dinner ( I a not celebrating) but pretty sure I will pull out of that too
I just want to hibernate
You are much in my thoughts as you mark the first anniversary of your husbands death
Siobhan x
happy early birthday, sending love to you as your own journey continues on.
DeleteI passed on New Year's Eve plans, but then got sick anyway. You and I need to just run away I think. I'm still planning how I can run your direction. Figuring it out.
DeleteHaving all these plans is great - and I hope you continue to look forward to plans whether big or small. I agree with Mona, you're engaged while working through the grief.
ReplyDeleteThen March comes and it's so long. I'm researching things this weekend because right now I have an empty calendar. I wish the cruise was in March instead.
DeleteThat's a great idea to plan out things to look forward to. Mini trip suggestions: New Ulm in the fall for Octoberfest, brewery/German town or go the weekend before and miss the crowds. Sandstone MN to see Jeffers Petroglyphs and pipestone quarry and on the way home, stop in Walnut grove Laura Engles Wilder Museum. A fun mini weekend.
ReplyDeleteAll good ideas fo later in the year. March and April will be challenging.
DeleteSometimes the best thing to do is go where the people are. Walk up/down the aisles of a large grocery store, building supply store. (I have each 2miles from home). Go to the mall and walk 2 miles of the interior perimeter (this is 8m and I prefer not to drive that much but I will).
ReplyDeleteHugs as you continue forward.
I avoid wandering- I hate running into acquaintances and getting the sad faces. Maybe I just need to drive farther away.
DeleteI don't live in the Midwest, but you may want to do a day trip or overnight to visit the Leinenkugel Brewery in Chippewa Falls, WI. They have giant lounge chairs, and there is a good possibility that clamoring up onto their giant Leinie Loungers will make you smile.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've never done that and it sounds up my alley.
DeleteI'm so glad that you have some things to look forward to in the coming months. A caribbean cruise with your sisters in winter sounds lovely. Happy birthday to your daughter, and the Pal-entines sounds like a fun fundraiser.
ReplyDeleteI probably watch too much tv in the winter time. I have been enjoying the UK Ghosts series; I think it is funnier than the US version, so thank you for the suggestion last year.
The UK Ghosts are very funny. I don't even have a favorite because they are all so appealing in their own way. I wish it was a Winter Olympics year. I need to get more hickey on my calendar.
DeleteWhy don't you ask your widowed sister if she would like to go away for a long weekend? Oftentimes when we don't have great expectations, they turn out to be the best of times! And I think it's wonderful that you can use your husband's snow shoes, especially since he loved the gift so much!
ReplyDeleteShe would be up for that, though has quite busy weekends. She actually has bloomed since Covid restrictions ended. Her husband was not very socialable, so she is now doing so many things she did only occasionally when he was alive.
DeleteI'm so pleased that you've got a few fun things booked. The Carribean cruise sounds like a real treat.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on that first anniversary. xx
It was sunny after the first rough day.
DeleteThe first anniversary of a big loss is always very hard. Sending positive thoughts and many virtual hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the kind words and thoughts.
DeleteI think it's good that you are finding ways to have things to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you as you continue through this difficult part of your journey.
I'm trying, but I have too much time with just the pets. I'm thankful for them though.
DeleteIt's great that you have multiple activities planned to help you get through these lonely times, Sam. And I wanted to stop in and say thank you for the kind words you left me when my Dad passed last week. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying, but not looking forward to March. The calendar is blank.
DeleteWhen I had to move across the country for 3 months to help babysit my first grandchild (in a large East Coast City in a very small apartment, )my son was very worried I would be bored and lonely. They went to bed early and I tried to leave them alone on weekends so I often ended up in the basement bedroom. What really saved me was the encouragement to start playing Animal Crossing on a Nintendo Switch. I am not a gamer and never had the desire to be one, but I bought the Switch and game thinking I would give it a go. I was hooked on the second day- it goes by real time so every day was different with chores that needed to be done and achievements to be earned. It was complicated and overwhelming in the beginning but it was such fun that I ended up playing for hours every day and it took me almost 2 full years to finish everything I could achieve. Although it was a time waster, it got me through the Covid years and I still pick it up once in a while when I'm bored. There is a group of Animal Crossing New Horizon friends over 50 on Facebook that really helped me. It's just a cute game based on you living on an island with animal villagers with various characters arriving daily and you get to build and design your house, wear different clothes, and interact or not as you wish. No violence, no weird fantasy stuff.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that is where I need to spend more time, but glad it helped you during the surreal days of Covid social distancing. I do need more hobbies though, that is certainly true.
DeleteI'm working on pushing myself out of my comfort zone a bit, mostly because we will be empty nesters in 18 months or so. DH works A LOT, so I know I'll be bored if I don't make my own plans. I'm thinking of: regular girls trips with a fitness angle (a race, a spa like location, or just a quiet place we can meet up to do yoga & go for long walks). Maybe you have a friend who has similar hobbies as you? Once during COVID, we met up at our beach house & all worked for the week, but had dinners together, & hung out between meetings. It was actually super lovely.
ReplyDeleteI'm also thinking of learning pickle ball, and have a site bookmarked with registrations. I haven't signed up yet, as our Jan/Feb is a little crazy, but that's definitely happening soon. What about signing up for a writing class? Would you enjoy that?
Our local courts just resurfaced to get both pickle ball and tennis courts. I have to reinvent and find hobbies that work for me now that I don't have my husband to do things with.
DeleteDo you crochet or knit or want to learn? There are classes for that kind of thing. Maybe other stitchery things. How about playing chess or Backgammon. There are groups to learn with. Maybe a group with whom to practice tai chi. I love that. I lost weight in TOPS--take off pounds sensibly. If people you know try to talk about something that makes you sad, maybe you can say something about having fun right now in order to shut down the sad talk.
ReplyDeletePractical Parsimony above
DeleteThere is a program called Master Gardener. I don't think you want to be a gardener, but I want to take this program. I will learn lots, but I want to grow one or two things successfully. So, I am not trying to push you all in on this. It seems like fun.
I have grown many things, but my goal is not to have a lawn full of plants, just lettuces, kale, tomatoes, onions. Of course, these skills will apply to anything that grows. I think.
Thank you for suggestions.
Delete