Lessons I'm Still Learning
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| Teacher post-it notes from last Friday. |
Whats the thing people are saying now when they learn something new? I was today's age when I learned to, that, how...
- Some people will want to put a box around me to help them understand me and my behavior, or justify theirs, often completely off base. However, boxes have six sides to open and step out from and I'm not obligated to stay there for their comfort.
- Guard tightly those things that are precious to me while sharing with those that see how precious those things are. Not everyone deserves an inside view of my family, my memories, my grief, and my story, but it's lonely shutting people out who can help lift burdens and share joy. Exercise more caution.
- Living my life in ways that align with my values never should be diminished. I don't need to buy figuratively or literally acceptance of choices. Practicing reciprocity of this lesson to others can be improved.
- Passive aggression is toxic and sign of ineffective coping skills. I've released some undeserved guilt for something I wasn't even aware was an issue. Lesson to myself, always have the challenging conversations when needed, people aren't mind readers; handle differences like a capable adult.
- And also, not everything has to turn into a battle and the world is really not trying to personally persecute me. The thought of being a perpetual victim is exhausting.
- The flight attendant message is spot on. Put my own oxygen mask on first before and in order to help others.
- Very cliche, but true; no one is coming to save me. I'm the only one who can make choices and take actions to live and sustain a good life.
I'm sure I'll learn more as I continue to age and life moves forward. Anything you've learned beyond these? Can you relate to my lessons?
I can certainly relate to these and exercising more caution when sharing with others jump off the page to me. When we moved last year I decided not to ‘ wear my heart on my sleeve’ so much. It’s a decision that I don’t regret. Over sharing , especially with acquaintances, can be exhausting and come back to bite!
ReplyDeleteAlison in Devon x
I hate strangers knowing I'm a widow unless pertinent to the situation-none of their business, and I really dislike having it be disclosed by others like it's my identity. Believe me, I'm fully aware every moment, everyday. I don't like pitying looks, platitudes, or an assumption that the door is open for them to "relate." If I share, it's my choice.
DeleteMom lessons:
ReplyDelete-my oldest brother killed himself in 1994 as Dad was dying of his lung cancer. She said "there are too many people that are NOSEY and don't care about us in the least. I will not answer their questions!"
-as you get older, don't be mad about what you can't do, be grateful for what you CAN do.
-She was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2007 and died in just 7 weeks. "I don't have to LIKE it but I do have to ACCEPT it".
I am 64 and these lessons have been invaluable to me and hubster as we have coped with big loss around us, his uncurable cancer diagnosis and weighing decisions moving forward.
-Mental healthcare is healthcare and should not be avoided (started in '94 coping with those 2 deaths). I don't care if other's think it's a weakness. I've spent considerable $ on it and it helped me create personal strength.
-Focus on enjoying today.
-And yes, still plan for the future knowing it may or may not come.
-The end game cannot run our lives!!!
-Grief is personal and cannot be explained to those who haven't been there. It's easier for them to say my feelings are not true. (this one really pisses me off!) It's how they make themselves feel better.
I appreciate all you share on your blog. I find strength and healing in your words and I hope you find a "pearl" in reader comments that serves you.
HUGS!
Wow, Elle, your mom had to learn lessons from unbearable hardship. I think I need to absorb those lessons as well. Virtual strangers asking details on my husband's death, why Im still in my "big house" alone, my early retirement are just being nosy. I 100% agree with your take on mental health care and grief- even from other widows who seem to expect me to grieve in the manner they do. And yes, we need to live for now while planning for a future that may or may not happen. I'm juggling a lot to not outlive my funds, enjoy things now, and not leave a mess for my kids.
DeleteIn 2007, my oldest sister was 5 weeks post-burial of her husband who unexpectedly died, when she was asked if she was dating yet............WTF is the matter with people? she called me in near hysteria (we live 454 miles apart). YOU get to be first and you get to decide. Not answering direct questions is an adjustment but dang girl, it feels good!!!
DeleteThat person was a col d hearted snake to your sister. It's really incredible how people presume they ha e a y importance in your life to say whatever they're thinking.
DeleteThe “what happened” people are something else. Sure, some people want detailed information in order to make sense of the situation, (particularly if they are “neurospicy “) but I find a greater portion just want to know for sake of nosiness/judgement.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how to word this as to a lesson to be learned, but a mistake to be avoided, and that mistake is believing that it can’t happen to you. Even when you do everything right, things can go terribly wrong.
-Meg B.
Neurospicy folks tend to be genuine though blunt. Yes, Ive learned that fact. Life sure throws curve balls...and along with anything can go wrong, people can behave in ways out of the blue you'd never imagine.
DeleteGood things to live by.
ReplyDeleteI find that Americans tend to be very open and overshare about a lot of things. I'm not saying that to be mean, but it took me a long time to get used to what people tend to tell you when I moved over here. British people (at least those I grew up with and lived around) were far more closed and didn't share a lot of information.
I said hello to a man that was sitting taking photos at the Preserve where I walked and he then told me all about his woes. The next time I said hello he started to tell me his family business again, so I gently said, you were telling me that the last time we talked. So, he said, "I bet I didn't tell you this" and then he really went into details! Things I did not need to know about his stepsiblings. Next time I saw him, I just kept taking photos and walking.
Something I learned from my Mum - don't worry about things. It does no good, it doesn't change anything and it only makes you feel ill. I try to live by that.
Interesting cultural observation, Sharon. I am a worrier even when I kniw I can do nothing to change.
DeleteGreat post! I think no matter how old we get life is still teaching all of us lessons and hopefully we are alert and aware enough to listen to them. I've learned life is tough sometimes but worry does nothing.
ReplyDeleteIm sure I'll add to ny lesson collection annually. I guess we all need to I keep earning.
DeleteAll of your lessons and those added in comments are spot on. My biggest take away from life is that I am on my own, and no, no one is coming to save me. Then there are those who think we should all grieve and memorialize the same way - their way, of course. I mentioned to a couple of friends that I hoped if I died suddenly, that my family would think of me from time to time. They both thought that stupid and proceeded to mock me. Oh well, each to their own.
ReplyDeleteWhat absurd reaction from your friends. Of course you'd want to be thought of by people we love.
DeleteWonderful post, I am sure that all of us can relate to the lessons and perhaps even learn those lessons. It might be the hard way, but we do need to learn them.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Some hit harder than others. Realizing people turn on you when you dare to step out if the box they wanted to put me in was painful.
DeleteYou don't have to live up to other people's expectations at all. I think we put our children first for so long (which is as it should be) but then get out of the habit of putting ourselves first later in life. You don't owe anyone any explanations. They're not funding your life nor should they have any say over the way you live it, unless you're actually harming others - which I somehow doubt! Realising I owed no-one any explanations was incredibly liberating! You do you Sam!
ReplyDeleteAgreed! It's another lesson to learn you can put others well being ahead or be so concerned about wanting to make that person comfortable, we set our own comfort aside. It's worse, to learn it wasn't appreciated anyway. I'd like to cha nel your liberating view.
DeleteI can relate to ALL of these. Widowhood has opened my eyes to so many unpleasant things and people. I told a friend just the other day that no one is coming to save me, nor entertain me and that gives me a lot of courage to do the things I need to do. Life isn't always fun, but if its meant to be, its up to me. Also? A small amount of vulnerability is OK, balanced with a wide boundary.
ReplyDeleteSo true. I do t wa t to li ve with a victims me tality, forever broken. I mean, I know Im forever changed, but I' m still me. I am in awe of how much you've been doing solo lately.
DeleteThese are all really good observations. I grew up as a "pleaser" & even though I have a lot less of it than my mom, as I get older, I feel like I can leave some of that behind. Hitting 50 was a good milestone where I realize I just care a lot less what other people think. Of course I still try to be a good person & make decisions that help others & all of that, but I do that for myself. I don't need to bend over backwards for other people or say yes to things that don't make sense or generally just keep my mouth shut to make other people happy. I'm also a pleaser at work, and it's freaking exhausting. Having this really unpleasant final work experience has also taught me a lot. I don't "need" this. Why stay for something you don't have to? Every day I feel like I'm developing more skills in this area, and it feels really good. - Hawaii Planner
ReplyDeleteThat's a great take away from a hard experience. I learned even going out of my way to be considerate at my own expense can come back and bite. Apparently if you do that enough, setting any boundaries or drawing any lines against nonsense will have you turned into a villain. It's happened to me both professionally now that I think about it and personally. If you can find that balance between work you like and personal protection, you're ahead.
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