Sole Decision Maker

     

     Wednesday I wrote, published, then unpublished a clearing my head kind of post. This may be longer. In short, it was about "moving on" though really about deciding I need to establish a new, yet still positive and caring relationship with my in-laws, in ways that work for me. Thirty months into this phase of life called widowhood started my determination to really figure out how I wanted to live my life. That was in July when due to a sleepless night, I spontaneously booked a trip to Greece, alone. I've since had a travel companion commit to joining, but none the less, it was an aha moment. I didn't talk to anyone before booking...I just did.

     I won't be doing much as spontaneous as that, however I've officially adopted the mindset that I am the sole decision maker of everything in my life. While I may consult my kids, my siblings, friends, even in-laws, the buck starts and stops with me. It's not a good feeling but a pragmatic one. I can't let others decide my fates or my Sunday afternoons. Naturally, as I decide anything though, I will be mindful of any impact, intentional or not on others. 

     Finances are one. I've gotten comments in the past when I've stated things about life insurance, transfer on death investments, and wanting to leave my kids some financial stability that literally called it nonsense. Others asked why I would care about substantial life insurance when I have no dependents. I'm not in danger of my relationship with my kids becoming "transactional"  or only seeing me as an ATM as someone once warned me about. I'm so sad for parents that are estranged from their kids, and more so, if money is part of the root cause. I've had a good life, and they have been a major factor in that goodness. When my time comes, I'll know I eased some financial burden they might have over time, or they'll be stewards of those funds to do good, because I know their values. 

     Because of this, I'll keep up my whole life policy, annuity, my retirement plan life insurance, maximize TOD options, and keep putting into my Roth as allowable, and drawing down on it last, if I need to at all. Basically, I'm doing financial moves that won't hurt my kids financially. To the non American readers, yes, we have a complex retirement and inheritance system here that can make the wisest folks pull their hair out.

     I'm not all altruistic in my independence. I'm still budgeting for travel, entertainment, and  a few nice treats to myself. I'm not going to go on shopping sprees and buy all my wants at once, but plan, compare, and set aside money beforehand. I can't change a lifetime of economizing. I'll maximize my budget to treat my kids, friends, and family from time to time. I'll keep being frugal with things that are necessary but not priority. I'll conserve on utilities and car gas and maintenance. I'll wear clothes that still fit and are in nice condition for everyday even if out of fashion and enjoy the thrill of scoring a thrift store gem. I'm happy to eat simple homemade meals, meal planning around leftovers, buying loss leaders while also splurging occasionally on an expensive meal at a favorite restaurant for a special or just because occasion. 

     I'll pay for some things I just don't want to bother learning or doing for myself. But things like laundry, housecleaning, routine yard care I'll do myself while I'm physically able. I find on my saddest days, my loneliest days, pouring myself into necessary and physical action gets me over the worst waves. Attacking errant limbs and thick weeds with loppers and weed whackers unleashes a lot of pent up emotion. 

     I don't know where I'm going with this long post. Words are just sort of jumping from my mind to fingers to type. Once again I'm talking to myself probably more than you, convincing myself I'm not falling apart.