Balancing Life 30 Months as a Widow

     

Photo by Nandhu Kumar

     For those of you that are new or don't know me yet, here's my story. I lost my husband of 35 years on January 18th, 2023 out of the blue; he was 61 and I was 57. There was no warning heart attack, though perhaps little signs that were not picked up on or if noticed, not acted upon. We were in a good point in our lives with our last child in her final semester of college and the other two managing their own lives. He finally was convinced to set a date for retirement, September 1, planning to give notice three weeks prior on his 62nd birthday. We were getting our hands around finances, intending to live off my income for a couple years until I followed him, getting our daughter launched and insured for another four years if needed. After that night, everything fell apart for a while. The kids battled depression and anxiety and still do to a point. My son having to pause to come home right after his dad died had a big blip on his career, followed by a couple strikes in his industry and job opportunities stifled. My older daughter felt completely abandoned as a single first-time homeowner, losing her dad as both moral and knowledge support. My youngest daughter really lost her way, and it took every ounce of grit to finish school, and her plans for what's next derailed. She's just now figuring out a new path. 

    My husband left us secure in immediate needs with a life insurance payout and we had been building a savings account for various house projects already in a separate savings account. I dove in on the project list. Bathrooms were redone after decades of wear and tear. A frail deck was replaced with a concrete patio. I felt vulnerable and exposed backing up to the park, plus with my dog and daughters' dog, knew a fenced in yard would give me peace of mind, so I put one up last spring, a high one with complete privacy. There's still so much to do. Things I never thought of or imagined, like a raccoon moving into my attic, had to be dealt with. Besides the house there were other issues that took a big bite out of our cash flow,  trying to get the title for my husband's crossover SUV transferred to me and fighting for months with the lease company eventually paying the whole thing off (it was supposed to be a four year no interest loan, started in December 2022) and having to have legal representation before they released the title was a nightmare.

     As for my job, I didn't develop a poor work ethic, in fact, I worked long and hard hours once I came back full time. But, little by little I just became apathetic. Decisions that I had no say in were made over the next 12 months that drastically changed both the work environment and the work itself. Layers of radical changes followed by poor planning, leaving me to problem solve with little to no tools had me thinking early retirement, mentally aiming for July 2025. While on a medical leave for a knee replacement, I made the decision to pull the plug even earlier, the day following my work anniversary, March 3. I ran and reran the numbers on what was now a combined retirement portfolio, my late husbands and mine and felt pretty confident there was enough to live as is comfortably, though losing a second income source forced changes to some plans we intended to implement once I retired. Waiting post anniversary, ensured my eligibility for a severance package, a safety net for keeping my daughter insured well through age 26. My professional integrity got the better of me, and I stuck around an additional five weeks to help with an unexpected resignation and to support the person hired as my replacement. I've now been retired for four months, though have done a bit of substitute teaching and small projects to pad a travel budget. I've got a two-month commitment via a contract starting this month that I think should energize me a bit. This is where life stands now. 

      Emotionally and in grief, I don't think anything has gotten easier, it's probably more just an acceptance that this is life. I can be sad and lonely all the time or force myself to partake in life opportunities and just be sad and lonely some of the time. I'm getting better at navigating things that I know will be particularly hard. There's been more heartache and loss, though not having my number one support person made those times even harder. I'm better at setting a boundary and saying no, or saying yes, but on my terms or schedule. I put my kids first before anyone else, though feel like I am a good sister and friend and there when needed. I'll admit I feel left out often by friends and siblings living their lives; but of course, they should. None of my children have partners nor children, but each have pets, and I do a lot of care. 

     I want to be more productive with my days. I'm amazed at how fast the days go and looking backwards, I did a whole lot of nothing. People retired before me told me that their first 6 months they didn't feel a need to do anything as they were just so tired and just let the day happen. In fact, my friend D, wondered how she ever had the energy to work full time. On the positive, at about the 6-month mark, she and another friend said they turned a corner and had found a new rhythm. Still, both of them are part of a couple, with their retired husband they developed these new routines. 

     I have a lot of envy of couples, particularly retired couples and older couples. I stopped doing the adult church group. The last few events were all couples and couples that socialize together it seems outside of the group. They all were grandparents too, so another outlier to my life. Everyone was kind and inclusive, but it didn't feel right for me. I will never understand why my husband died too young and without warning. I probably will never stop feeling cheated and sad that what should have been joyfully experienced by both of us, is now something to almost just get through by me alone. I know some widows are very pragmatic, developed a positive new life, and are even happy, almost annoyingly so to my thinking, but I applaud them too. 

     The reality is any couple is going to have one leave before the other and we were nothing special to escape that. Statistics say only 10% of widows remarry and for older widows, that drops to 2%. With the average life expectancy for US women at over 82 and rising, not that I'm looking, it just seems like I have a very long time ahead of me to balance life as a widow. Some days the calibration needs an entire reset and on my really bad days, things spill out. This was written on one of those days. I then start the balancing act all over again.