Point of Blogging
I've lost track, but suppose could look, at how many posts I've written in the last year but never published. These were mind dumps, getting thoughts out that I didn't want to burden family or friends with, and certainly not readers. Those I've published have been a bit for accountability (Dreams or Just Plans) or to share glimpses of joy (Little Miss) so I feel connected beyond my own closed off circle. I started pondering in general, why am I still blogging, even if minimal. I guess the answer is I want to eventually get back to a place where I have a rhythm, a routine, and a regular way to share community space with others that might have an interest in the same things that interest me.
I don't want my existence to be seen as grieving helpless widow. I want to put on a bit of armor and get back into things I enjoyed in the past. I want to find my voice again, the one where I challenged myself then wrote about them- budget challenges, creative cooking (aka not wanting to leave the house to shop so making due), new activities that might lead to a new hobby, go to places I've never been before, or reflecting on current events. I want a little healthy debate or at least different perspectives in comments. I have appreciated the kind words of sympathy, don't get me wrong, but reading them reminds me my personality of old has been replaced by well, that of grieving, helpless widow that I never imagined I'd be.
As the holiday season approaches, and I know I'll struggle, in this space I'm going to pretend a bit. I'm going to share what I've been cooking, where I've been going, what I've been reading, and who or what is either inciting my excitement or my ire. It's fall, so the saying turn a new leaf is appropriate. Keep in mind this is outward facing, while I continue in private to build my inner resiliency, and might be hanging in by a finger nail. Bits of vulnerability will leak out, no doubt, so please look past it to the person I'm trying to find.
Grieving-yes, helpless? No. Sometimes support, camaraderie are needed to know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteTake good care and sending hugs to you ! We'll be here when you share.
I accept the hugs.
Delete"Bits of vulnerability will leak out, no doubt, so please look past it to the person I'm trying to find." Share with us whatever you wish. I encourage anything you want to write down, you will find the person you're trying to find.
ReplyDeletePecking away at a keyboard is very cathartic.
DeleteI loved reading the types of post you describe, as well as reading any other musings. You are allowed to be you! In terms of activities once you are retired, check out Meetup. I always thought that it was only for younger people. However, I looked into it as a retiree and discovered a number of local groups. I’m in one that pairs a book club book with local/regional outings, which I love, as well as an empty nester group. I joined a local walking group recently, as well as an outdoors group which has longer walks, kayaking and other outdoor activities. I also do free group walks or nature focused activities sponsored by our county parks department and a local nature center. Most of the activities that I referenced are free or low cost. I never knew about any of these activities while I was working full time (other than the parks department stuff, which fulfilled a need during Covid and is now helping to insure that no additional flab piles onto my frame:). I’ve met some nice people this way, and it gets me ou
ReplyDeleteI will look into Meetups for potential new hobbies.
DeleteSorry- last sentence should read gets me out.
ReplyDeleteRebuilding yourself is not for the faint of heart - I'm finding it to be quite a confusing process as well as difficult. I love the idea of putting on a bit of armor. This is so incredibly encouraging and inspiring, thank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel inspired but feel like I needed a kick.
DeleteI definitely don't see you as helpless, Sam. We're here when you want to share and I know I'm not alone in thinking of you often and wishing you well. xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you, Vix. It's good to know positive people like yourself send that energy my way.
DeleteI have no advice to give. I just want to say I think you cope remarkably well.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteYou owe it to yourself to be who you are right now, but there is nothing wrong with choosing a different direction, even if it means you have to fudge a bit as you "embrace change". Also hanging on by a sliver is still hanging on.
ReplyDeleteI'm fudging a lot, but don't think I'll ever embrace change. I guess not raging against it is my starting place.
DeleteOf course you are grieving - and YES you are allowed to! You are not helpless at all.
ReplyDeleteYour posts helps you to get feelings out, they help you got other viewpoints from people, and they surely help another person who is going through what you are. Never dismiss your posts - they are important in some way to someone.
You do you the way you seem fit to do.
Sending hugs.
Appreciated.
DeleteI feel like you are on the road to figuring out who you are. Grieving widow? Sure but you are also grieving a life you had that is now gone. Maybe not all of it. I think we are here for you even when you write a post and don't hit the post button. You are getting there. I look forward to seeing more of you.
ReplyDeleteThis life kind of sucks right now. But, I hope for better.
DeleteRhythm and routine: it will come. Please give yourself grace and space to move forward, and know that there are lots of us out here thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, April. I hope things are going well for you.
DeleteSam, it's aways good to see you posting. We are always here for you anytime.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteYour posts actually show how strong and capable you are. You're a gifted writer, and I look forward to posts. Musings, talk of plans, dreams, inner thoughts, cooking, hobbies, whatever you want to share. Go for it!
ReplyDeleteI babble in type I think but kind of you to say that.
DeleteI’m here for anything you want to share. ❤️
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteI have never seen you as helpless, not at all. And, you are a grieving widow for as long as it takes. Your grieving might take a different path, but I would think a widow might grieve all her like, just a different kind of grieving as time moves on. You will move onto a different stage, most likely. I can only think of my mother's death over thirty years ago. My grieving is not so sharp as it was in the beginning. I cry but not so often. I have moved on from wailing to quietly shedding tears. I wish the same for you. The jagged hole will have smoother edges.
ReplyDelete'
I've lost parents and sister. Losing my other half, is very different, but grief is the individual to us all.
DeleteI think you're right to blog (as and when you feel like it). To be able to look back at the good - and yes even the awful - in life and to see how far you've come. I also agree with BethC that Meetup might be something to look into as and when you feel up to it!
ReplyDeleteI know with my new bionic knee, I can do more walking. I'll see what the world has to offer.
DeleteI say this with all the love in the world. IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Welcome back to life. I know what you have gone through and how hard it is because I am in month 27 of being a widow. You can grieve AND pick yourself up AND find a new way forward AND craft a new life all at the same time. You will still have ups and down, but it will not get better until you set your mind to change your mind.
ReplyDeleteThe other comments are all the nice ones - I am the tough love. ;-) I'm proud of you. sis.
Tough love needed, by someone who's been there. Still, there's a lot of faking that will happen.
DeleteYep, understood. Fake it til you make it. You will make your way out of the funk.
DeleteYou remind me I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou're trying to support so many people. I hope you get what you need too.
DeleteI most definitely do not see you as someone who is helpless, but rather someone who has been required to redefine her life and part of herself/identity, without any notice or desire. That is so challenging. It's one thing if you seek out a change (let's say, a divorce you initiated), as you likely have time to mentally prepare, weigh the pros & cons, and see a path to a different future. Instead, this was thrust on you, so of course there are times when you aren't quite sure which path to choose, or how to embrace this new journey. I'm here for whatever feels best to share. (Hawaii Planner)
ReplyDelete