Recent Lessons Learned Part 2
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| Humor amongst my sister's. Yet, hoping I'm moving away from this default response to challenges in life. |
Oh my gosh do I need to keep moving, reading, learning to feel like I'm not just surviving in life. I blink and the week is over with not much to report or even have a conversation about. I fear I'm in the early steps of heading for one of my gray periods. Summer, with all the promise of sunshine and fun, brings forward complex initiators to anxiety mixed with expectations and loneliness. My physical soreness isn't helping, reminiscent of my sense of helplessness/ hopelessness pre- knee surgery. I'm trying hard to push through this current mood drop and irrational thoughts that my life is just leftovers and crumbs or another day figuring out yet another problem.
I recently got a lesson via a memorial, given by my friend in tribute to her dad. She summarized his life in three "rules" to live by, and I took them as a lesson from her dad.
- Say Yes
- Make yourself "taller" when you need to
- Don't Complain
I wasn't remembering the 2nd one, but that's the one I needed this past week. I needed to reach deep, find the grit, be taller to resolve a situation. It's a work in progress, but remembering the wise words, not playing the victim, and talking through options really helped. I'm trying hard not to complain, and I think being taller is what he meant to help with that; rise above the challenges as it were. Saying yes when it's so easy to hide away this summer in my own space will keep the connections I need. Saying yes is also a reminder not to regret things I've done the last year even if one result was unpleasantness that still feels like a blindside.
Scrolling around Instagram, this little video jumped out at me too in terms of learning lessons to guide my life. It was posted under a "negating loneliness" account and it struck me as appropriate for my experience and observations about widowhood. So often in the last three years I've felt like support was waning, even non-existant. That's on me though. I fell in a trap of risking widowhood being my identity and further losing myself, and losing others in the process. I nearly let others define me, then when I pushed back a bit, exile me. I was allowing someone else's insecurity to forfeit my own growth and healing. Support between widows, online or other, can be tremendously helpful, but also can be forums for perpetual limbo and holding anger. Its not 100% spot on, but there definitely was resonation. Three Traits that Quietly Push People Away
- Making everything about yourself
- Living in a victim mindset
- Chronic neediness
I've done a lot of deep thinking the last week. Being sore and tired from poor sleep has made my outward attention span short, leaving me with my own thoughts. I go back to the last lessons post and expanding on the one about no one is coming to save me to add, no one is coming to fortify my life either. I am the driver of where the years ahead take me. Family, good family relationships, mean the world. Friends that are like family and friends that keep the joys on the fore front deserve yes, tallness, and not having to be my perpetual sounding board to each woe and complaint. It's an uphill challenge to put lessons in action, but act I must.
I joined 3 Meetup groups in the last 3 years. I’m kind of shy initially, so I felt like a bit of an outsider. I started asking people questions about themselves-not prying, just questions about books they have read, travels, etc. Slowly but surely, I have found that I am getting to know people better and feel less isolated. You seem to have some long time friendships, so it may not help us much-but I’ve started doing this more even with old friends. I’m finding that it is deepening my connections in a positive way.
ReplyDeleteThis is the mindset I need. I'm responsible to reach out if I need companionship.
DeleteOh Sam, you are in a slump. I have seen Sissy do this many times, and it is okay, ride with it and you will climb out! You are loved. Not Bossy!
ReplyDeleteYes,I'll climb out. As Ive said before, naming it, talking it out, helps me make little changes to get through the hard days, then the next us genuinely a bit better.
DeleteI fear becoming #3 in the pushing people away list, because, as I have said, I don’t drive more than toiling about our little community, and, if absolutely necessary, north on the freeway to our next “big town.” Airport? I simply can’t manage that run. Thank goodness my kids drive, and I have a dear friend who LOVES (so she says) to drive. People who plan things with me know they have to do the driving. I am adamant, though, that if they fly I buy.
ReplyDeleteYour words on widowhood defining your identity really struck a chord with me. I feel as if the question of who I will be in this phase is never ending. But then I remember my father telling me when I was a young teen, making noise about wanting to go to college locally, that change is the one constant in our lives, so if ever given the choice to direct that change, choose bravely.(I didn’t carry that lesson to my driving prowess, however!) But granted, I am under a year in to this life, so what do I know? I have happy days and I have sad days. I have days where I do and say the right thing at the right time and days I do the total opposite. But the one thing I cannot shake is that I have not been given the time and space to grieve, (we’re still “Mom” after all) which I am ashamed to admit makes me resent the parts of society that burden women so!
For what it’s worth, you have been a great source of solace to me in these past months if for no other reason than being a bright, educated accomplished woman who has no problem admitting that sometimes you have no clue what to do next, and even if you did sometimes you just don’t want to do it! Makes me feel much less alone.
-Meg B.
Some days there's so many things as to tackle a doing it alone, makes me feel needy. I know that, but pushing to get done, then wow, I feel a bit of success. I'm pretty clueless, but still upright so guess that's good.
DeleteSometimes these grey moods just come creeping up... it helps to spot them early on (as you appear to have done). Now to make a very gentle, achievable plan, so that every day is a success! At leasts that's what I do... I got dressed! I had breakfast! I ate fruit! I went outside for five minutes!...
ReplyDeleteThis is the kind of thing I build up from.
As soon as I set targets like 'do 12 sit-to-stands three times a day' I know I am lining myself up for failure and beating myself up.
I tell my piano students to speak encouragingly to themselves when learning something new and approach it in tiny steps so that they always succeed, always feel good. It makes for faster progress and more enthusiasm.
Good luck!
Kristen, Spotting early and taking a bit of my own advice I'd give to someone else that asked for it, does help me slip all the way into the holes. I like your attitude for your students to just try and take the win for little steps achieved.
DeleteThis is such an insightful and wisdom filled blog post, Sam. I had a situation this weekend and I kept telling myself not to make myself the victim. Sometimes it takes a lot of hard talk to myself to get that through my mindset. I'm glad you have the online support of others who've been on the path you're on now. It really does help to talk with others and share wisdom with each other.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, Belinda. I got my issue resolved. It's not perfect, but no longer unsettling. Its good to share ideas and hear others journey, abd taje any tips that might work for us.
DeleteMy sister, who was widowed this year is in a similar situation. I have encouraged her to get out and do a few things she has never done before, but have to refrain from becoming a nag. I have not been in her situation so I can't begin to tell how I would process it, if I were.
ReplyDeleteMy sisters who aren't widows are a tremendous support system, as I know you are to your sister. Its showing up. I've greatly benefitted from not really tough love, but strong love to help me lift myself up when needed.
DeleteOne thing that I find helpful is having sounding board friends who are not judgmental. Yesterday I went for a hike with a close friend & we were talking about parenting challenges. It was so helpful to have someone to share concerns with & also just gut check the inevitable "am I doing the right thing here, as a parent" thoughts. Interestingly, she has a very similar parenting challenge to me, which she'd never discussed before, but it enabled her to open up about something she's dealing with. We talk while exercising, and there's something very freeing to just let loose with trusted friends who don't judge you for your complaints or concerns. All of your discussions aren't about that, of course, because we also share wins & boring days, along with the concerns & complaints. I know physical activity is challenging right now, and hugs to you on that front, because that is so difficult & frustrating just on its own. I worry about M not having a similar sounding board, and it bottles up in unhealthy ways, IMO. Have you been able to meet many friends (or already have them) experiencing similar life situations, re-evaluating life as a recent widower? I can imagine they would relate to so much that you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteIdeas aside, you've got this. You are motivated to pull yourself out, you recognize the signs, and you care about adjusting. Sending you good thoughts. - Hawaii Planner
I've just had back to back weeks without friend conbections, and your comment made me realize that's not good for my headset. Yes, conversations with those in the same situation are helpful. I did leave a forum though because it really was perpetuating victim mindset and neediness. I always appreciate your kind words and motivation.
DeleteMy father was a "tall" man. How you describe tall is exactly as he was. I try to emulate him, tho I often fail. All three of your lessons of how/what to be/do are good ones to learn. Not regretting choices made when results go off the rails is a good lesson to learn as well. Keep saying yes, but also be sure to take care of yourself in the process.
ReplyDeleteYou totally captured what my friend was describing. I'll get through this slump, already feeling lighter than I was Sunday night after getting an issue resolved yesterday. And yes, I cant let an unfortunate experience change my approach to new opportunities.
DeleteHUGS! Don't let having those moments get you down further. Things come in time and in the manner that is right for you.
ReplyDeleteWriting things out is a release, and helps me then tackle in better ways the things that might have sparked the downturn.
DeleteI'm sure that the physical pain is contributing to your mental mood. It can grind you down and make even the little things seem really big.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs your way.
I recognize that as well. Things like blowing off steam with yard work, a robust walk, or something physically invigorating us off the table for a bit. But, I resolved a problem, not perfectly, but well enough, and I actually got several hours of sleep in a row so both good signs I'm moving from the slump.
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ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that my use of my blog for my mind dumps irritates you. Feel free to continue to not read. For what it's worth, IRL I cope very well, get things done, am there for friends and family, handle life admin, and because I use tools such as blogging to support myself through rocky mental periods, my circle of people don't experience it. My apologies for being such a crap blogger and not providing just rose colored pictures and words. I will take your "always complaining" comments for reflection.
DeleteRae,
DeleteRespectfully, then, scroll on by. From my perspective, she is not complaining, but rather giving an unfiltered view as to life as a youngish widow. What you see as sympathy is empathy, perhaps something you lack? Her group of readers are perfectly capable of understanding the myriad of emotions the early years in the wake of the loss bring. You, apparently, are not. God forbid you suffer the loss of a close loved one. Grief doesn’t evaporate overnight, yet life must continue while we figure out how to tackle it without our life’s partner. That’s HARD, and I am glad she has candidly shared her journey with us. Her blog has helped me immeasurably as I navigate my own recent , young widowhood.
As for not realizing how “fortunate” she is? I trust you are not implying
her love for her spouse and the life they shared can be replaced with $. If so, I suggest YOU take good look in the mirror.
-Meg B.
?!?!?! Sympathy isn't doing her a disservice here. She is always vulnerable and even acknowledges sometimes her bad moods are things she can work on. I don't think she gives off victim mentality and I find your response not being very helpful at all. We are definitely agreeing to disagree.
DeleteI meant her good fortune was the family she still has close by and the friends she has on her blog and the friends she worked with in the past and the fact she was able to travel etc. etc. etc. She can suck it up or she can still ride the pity train - it's up to her. You can't fix it nor can I or anyone else - sadly, she has to do it, and she spends a lot of time being negative. I'm sorry she lost her husband. I was shocked and felt so bad for her, but time moves on, whether we like it or not. I lost my sister 3 years ago at 61 years old, the following year, I lost my FIL, my dad, my dear cousin, and my BIL. The last 3 within 2 months of each other. No, not my spouse, and I'm grateful to have had him help me get through such a huge loss. And no, Meg, I do not mean money. Everything else but no, not money. So, I looked in the mirror and I am ok. I feel like it can be helpful to let people know that what they are projecting might not be the best or healthiest for them. As I said in the original, now deleted comment that was so offensive, she can be a warrior or a victim.
DeleteWhy delete the comment if it was meant to be honest feedback with helpful intent? Own it- I accepted your critique and said I'd reflect on the complaining. I went back to see all my negativity and yes, theres a great bit. However, most posts are about moving forward, tackling life, making plans, while having anxiety, grief, loneliness and pressure to manage all parts of life. You do understand that there is a lot of people mental health needs and as part of coping, therapy supports using tools to help cope. I'm sorry for your losses and count yourself fortunate you have more resiliency than others.
DeleteI wish you nothing but the best.
DeleteOn that, I will thank you and wish the same in return.
DeleteWell written and thought provoking x
ReplyDeleteAlison in Devon x
Thanks, Alison. Unknowingly, my self-reflection and honesty about owning my life and choices, and past blogs as well, comes across as complaining. My intent was more philosophy and wonder, application and experience. I'm glad it was thought provoking for you.
DeleteHaving that one person to whom you can say everything to, who will listen without judgment, is a healthy way to "talk it out, wallow in the unfairness" and everything else you feel. I was that person for my sister when she suddenly widowed at 57y young. I am a firm believer that we need to talk it out/talk it through, to move on. It's part of healing. I will also share that it was about 3.5 years when she called me and said "I'm gonna be okay. I've turned the corner into being single and making plans for the life I never thought I would live". She found widow groups were not therapeutic for her while others attend for years. You gotta do you!!
ReplyDeleteElle,
DeleteAs much as society would like us to mask our pain, you are so right—we must have an outlet. Sadly, we don’t give women, particularly those of the sandwich generation, space to do this. Among other things, we are expected to guide our kids through their grief. (Sure, they may “technically “ be adults, but age alone doesn’t give, say, a 20 year-old undergraduate the life experience to navigate this). Sam still has her MIL to consider, and gets to witness her pain. Meanwhile, the bills are coming, the dogs need walking, the walk needs shoveling and, dammit all, don’t you know you’d look so much better if you just smiled???????
So yeah, you’re right, you do you. Xoxo
-Meg B.
Elle, You, Ann, Sissy...the other sisters and friends are the rock stars to us needing that person(s). Should I be moving forward, absolutely. Are there still huge challenges that weigh on me that I would not be facing if I had been better prepared to become a widow, absolutely true too. Just when I think I've made a mile of progress, something comes out of the blue to push me backwards. I applaud your sister arriving to a place she's feeling she'll be OK. I know Im getting there, and know as she probably does, there will be set backs. But. I'm farther ahead in both envisioning and future and creating one.
DeleteThank you for being vulnerable. You can always change things up, and you're making a genuine effort to keep doing just that. You have the support of your sisters, friends, even us! Standing taller is not always easy, but we can definitely try to do it whenever possible.
ReplyDeleteI am more fortunate than some to have a support system. I do not take that for granted. I appreciate though that most of you understand that the support system can't be with me 24/7 and can't be in a position to solve problems that need solutions. That's where I'm vulnerable because I don't want to screw things up, and yet I have too many times. Thanks, JJ.
DeleteYes! We all need support, no man/woman is an island. If you can find the tools to support yourself when you know you cannot rely on your system, that is a great thing. We've all screwed it up, we're only human!
DeleteI'm so sorry you received a negative post here about your post. I likewise used my Blog to detail my weight loss journey, which then allowed me to not have to burden my friends with my struggles, so I completely understand how you choose to use this blog to do same.
ReplyDeleteI have not walked your walk, so I won't attempt to give any advice, other than to say life is a journey, sometimes an overwhelmingly difficult journey, and we do the best we can with what is being dealt. I can only hope that I extend much grace to those working through hard periods, and will feel fortunate if I receive the same when it's my turn.
I'm not going to be liked by all, and that's ok. I respect that you used your blog as a tool for yourself. You had some unkind words as well. None of us walk another's journey, married, widowed, divorced, or single. Just sharing experiences helps us not feel isolated. You are genuinely a person that extends grace and kind thoughts.
DeleteDear S, as you know my mum was widowed at a similar age to you. She's now 87, and has been alone for 31 years. She said yes to barely anything, and eventually to nothing, so I stopped asking. She alienated everyone, stopped catching up with friends either by phone or in person, and doesn't have a good word to say about anyone. You are far removed from what she was, and still is.
ReplyDeleteI know your experience with your mom is hard. I do nit want that fir my kids. I just shake myself up now and then with posts like this. The next day is usually better.
DeleteI always thought that I was very much an introvert (I am for the most part), but have realized that I actually do need some human contact. That is why I joined the Fiber Friends group, and try and get out walking so as to talk to various people. I have even made an effort to talk to more strangers on the street lately. I still enjoy being alone, but am also enjoying occasional contact with people outside of my family.
ReplyDeleteIf we can't use our blogs to air our frustrations, and just pretend everything is hunky dory, we are fooling ourselves and not being honest. I, for one love your honest posts.
God bless.
I think thats called and extroverted introvert, or the other way around. I too like my quiet and calm, but when I see it's more avoiding socializing than recharging, I know I need to get out. Your Fiber Friends is a good way to combine your interest with others, very naturally. Walking sure is a good tonic.
DeleteSam, I don't think you're complaining at all. You're delving deep into self-reflecting on you life. Keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteI can admit my deep dive can cone off as negative and complaining. I was just surprised this post was taken that way. I wrote trying to get ahead of going down into a gray mood, and just expressed that I have certain initiators to manage when I see it coming. I can't control how others interpret my words, but appreciate those that have shared empathy.
DeleteSending hugs. Some days are hard for all of us, and I appreciate that you share the hard times as well as the good times. That's life! I think we can learn from each other and encourage each other during the hard times.
ReplyDeleteI never intended to minimize others hard times by sharing my own, just being honest. I agree sharing and encouraging each other goes a long way.
DeleteI am reading this midday on Friday after a 19+ hour day yesterday: leaving Mayo at 9:00 a.m. Thursday (10:00 a.m. in Ohio) and traveling home via Waterloo Iowa (to pick up a client's marimba bars for retuning), and then continuing on home. About 5 hours sleep and yes, I am running on fumes today (and there were some Dad things I absolutely had to take care of this morning that sprang up while we were going). So your post resonates BIG TIME with me, especially when pairing it with your earlier posts. Hugs, dear Sam, hugs.
ReplyDeleteThat's a brutally long day followed by long drive, and even more to tackle once home. I sure hope your weekend is slow and restful.
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