Reframing Retirement Life
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| Funny candle in my photos from a past day trip. I think I bought for one of my sisters. |
I've been all systems go the last 30 months. I dove into major house projects like two bathrooms, the deck removal and patio pour, the fence, updating fireplace unit and now the water system. I've travelled as much, work trips aside, in this time period as I have in the five years preceding. Due to pups needs, the state of the world, the economy, and my own physical and mental bandwidth, I am on a much needed pause. I need to focus on day to day basics instead of the next big thing.
My daughter had a couple unexpected shoots on Saturday and needed help at her house with her dog. It gave me time to hang out, take him on walks and play, and do some thinking where I want to invest time, energy, and resources now and short-term future, now that it's been a full year retired.
House spring clean: Purge, organize, and clean needs to be my full time job. I keep doing minimal and am seeing no real progress.
Basic yard and garden cleanup and upkeep: I've got supplies and the time this spring to get both front and back neat and tidy. I'll look on FB Buy Nothing for more shared perennials and also split my hostas.I want a section of the yard to stay wild for pollinators but have a place for veg growing.
Invest time in healthy cooking: While I've greatly reduced use of convenience foods, I can do much better. My YouTube indulgence can shift to cooking content to both expand my repertoire and increase nutrients per calorie.
Explore day trip locales: Within a three hour round trip windows, plenty of time (with a dog reliever) remains for full day explorations. Depending on where, pup can come too sometimes. Those will be short trips with lots of rest! I've got a list off the top of my head, but will dive into local tourism sites for ideas.
More time with In-Real-Life friends: Don't get me wrong, you're all great. However, I've deceived myself that it's adequate social interaction when I realize at times its been weeks since seeing anyone but family or the odd acquaintance in a store. Tying this to the spring cleaning and healthy cooking, I want friends to feel welcome at any time and be treated well.
Seperate from, while supporting, my children's lives and decisions: It's been a lot for all four of us the last three + years, and perhaps too much codependency instead of supporting independency. It's a balance that I guess most parents feel, but after a loss that changes life so profoundly, it became too comfortable for them to turn to me first before resolving life on their own. I'm going to work on more just listening, asking questions, and offer minimal advice or intervention. My sister and I recently reflected on this and how we'd have never involved our mom with things our children regularly lay on our feet.
Big projects will be back. The roof will need replacing; floor coverings are horrendous after dealing with pup. I still have a wish list of both new to me places and places I want to return on my travel list. For now, like so many, I'm riding out the economic storm. It'll give me time to recharge my physical and emotional battery after the beating and drain they've taken.
Sam, your writings are so much my Sissy! It is like you are on the same wavelength. Grief is a terrible thing, and I am here to watch Sissy, and her daughters go through it! Stay strong, you are doing wonderfully. Not Bossy
ReplyDeleteI'm finding that it's a scary place needing to live now, manage things I never expected to have to handle alone, and those biggest "things" are the emotions and life issues of my kids. But, I'm finally trying to see and act upon the fact that my role is supporter not fixer, listener not director. Of course when there's concrete things I'm in a position to help with, pet care, nice meals, and even big things like leveraging financial support for them to pursue their life goals, I can still be there.
DeleteI'm loving your plans, psitively and resolutions for a retirement om your terms! xxx
ReplyDeleteA year later but I've always had to experience things to really learn the best path. Im dusting off some of the ideas we had to spend time and e joy our days during Covid. There were some positive learnings in that stay at home period.
DeleteSounds like you've really given all these things a lot of thought. Well done you.
ReplyDeleteA bit long to learn, but it's a good point a year after lea ing full time employment.
DeleteAs a OR RN who retired nearly 7y ago, I am still "peopled out". I text with a few friends here/there and spend time with perhaps 1/month (they all still work so are busy). And in June, my husband was diagnosed with a serious cancer that is never called cured. After 7 months of chemo/surgery/chemo he is OK for now. I find myself peopling even less as I don't have the bandwidth to try to get people to understand and the questions don't stop while understanding can't come. I suppose it's avoidance in the eyes of some and it's mental/emotional health in my eyes. We're doing well together, living in the moment rather than focused on the final moment. We've been Blessed with time and we don't take it for granted.
ReplyDeletePlanning while living in the moment. I know you feel this to your core. Hugs Sam.
That sounds pretty intense so understand the people thing. I worked 90% remote the last 5 years of full time so seeing people was not a problem when I finally could. It's the people I want in my days I'd like to see more often. Best wishes for you and your husband. That's a lot to manage.
DeleteYou've got this!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kirsten. I'll learn from others.
DeleteGreat plans. I am focusing on many of the same things for different reasons now that we have live in this area for 3 years and are feeling less stress from that move.
ReplyDeleteForgot to add. My kids are a lot older than yours but I finally learned to ask "Do you want advice or for me to just listen as you think out loud."
DeleteAs a parent of three adult children and two adult steps, this is the hardest lesson. But it works well when we learn it. :-)
DeleteI may not even ask if they want advice unless they specifically ask. Then, I think I'd like to manage better by presenting options/scenarios not dire tip advice. I hope to develop stronger adult relationships with them.
DeleteI’m new to your blog, really enjoyed reading this and it resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteI’ve spent a few of our retirement years being very much a people person and throwing myself into activities that sometimes felt as they took priority over homelife.
We moved house and I’ve purposely ‘kept my neck wound in ‘ - I’m so much enjoying being peaceful and present at home and in the garden.
Alison in Devon x
We had a glimpse of true spring yesterday and I"m leaning into my yard as my passion this summer. Winter will be more a struggle but hopefully by then, I'll have carved out hobbies and small adventure opportunities to keep me thriving. So glad you commented and hope you stay part of this tiny community.
DeleteI think your plans sound wonderful. Our home and yard are my favorite places to be.
ReplyDeleteI already liked the improvements of the patio and fence with the dogs. Now it'll be about asthetics and creating a place I don't want to leave.
DeleteGood goals indeed. I do better with mine when I make them into specific measurable goals such as "Once a week see a friend face to face' or 'every day at 10AM do some housework as that is the time of the day when that work is done' hope this helps you too.
ReplyDeleteOh, that's wise. Yes, I need a day list or it will be top easy to let the day slide.
DeleteLiving just the everyday things can be just beautiful and fulfilling. Don't let anyone tell you it can't be.
ReplyDeleteIt's myself telling me to go, go, go. I love reading blogs and picking up healthy tips for positive living.
DeleteSounds like terrific plans for your retirement reframing, Sam. :)
ReplyDeleteNow to operationalize glimg forward.
DeleteYou have some great plans on rethinking your retirement Sam. I do not have much interaction with friends any longer. I think it is more because most of my friends have left this city and traveled to the bigger city where our son lives. I think that is why I joined that Fiber Friends group, to see if it was a good fit, and if I would feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
I have a small group of old friebds, my mom friebds, and now have joined a couple civic organizations. That's plenty but I need to also be proactive. Others are so busy and still working.
DeleteSounds like you've really given thought to your ideas.
ReplyDeleteThere are some really great places to explore in Minnesota so hopefully adventures near to home will be fun filled.
I must admit, I'm not a big people person. I'm happier being on my own, that being said I do have people in the house that I talk to. My Mum always said I'd feel differently if I lived alone, as I think the quiet got to her sometimes especially on the weekend. We always skyped on Saturdays and she said sometimes I was the only person she talked to all weekend.
My son still lives with me, but his schedule is varied abd he's quite private. The pets are my regular company. I'd say I'm an extroverted introvert...I have to hear up to be around people but happy when I do.
DeleteThese all seem like really healthy ways to enjoy & reframe your retirement. I also think the place you've gotten to with the kids may have been what you all needed & what served you during some very, very challenging times together. As you now emerge with a bit of new space & reflection, you can continue to refine & reshape your relationships - not because the way you were doing it before was wrong in any way, but you are pushing all of your family to continue to grow & develop in their new reality. I hope you are able to see all of the positives you've had as you've supported your family through the unimaginable. While you may need to adjust moving forward, you've been an incredible parent during a devastating time. Hugs to you. - Hawaii Planner
ReplyDeleteIt's tough with the kids, who aren't kids. My youngest in particular struggles, but she is also smart and has opportunities of she'd embrace them. But I can't push her. I've appreciated your kind words the last three years. You've always been a supportive online friend.
DeleteThings change as time passes, needs change. It makes total sense to re-evaluate or re-frame as Hawaii Planner said. You are an awesome mom, I know for sure my mom would never have relied on her mom for the things she has gone through (it just wasn't done) but credit to her and yourself, you are really trying for your kids! I am loving the new ideas for you, and I hope the reconnecting in real life continues to bring you joy.
ReplyDeleteThank you JJ. I know from comments you seem to have a great relationship with your mom. That's all I want, a genuine relationship of care but also respect on each of our parts.
DeleteI'm echoing what most everyone else said: some heartfelt thinking about what directions you want to take moving forward. I read your list twice and found myself nodding in agreement, thinking "yep, I need to do that too" repeatedly. May you flourish!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the decluttering, I hope you're better than me at it. I'm into my eighth year of retirement and I feel like nothing has left this house in all that time. Mind you, taking on extra, time-consuming responsibilites probably didn't help! And I think day trips are a great idea. I like most of my day trips organized because even after 36 years of living here I'm still discovering new places - and of course I still get to sleep in my own bed!
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