Caregiver Thoughts

     

My brother worked at a tree nursery. He had planted lilacs at my parents house, a massive border that became part of my childhood. I associate lilacs with my brother. 

     Keeping vigil, being an extra set of hands to turn and reposition my brother,  helping to keep him comfortable like rubbing anti-itch lotion when he begs for his skin to feel better, and just anything else needed is what we're all doing. This gives my SIL a few moments where she takes breaks, gets a walk, or tries to eat. 

     She heated up water for a cup of hot chocolate and didn't actually get a chance to drink it until more than an hour had gone by. This is why we're all trying to keep easy and healthy food ready so she'll eat when she feels she can. She's doing the heavy lifting, changing and cleaning the waste bags, giving the medication that's helping his pain be managed. She's answering calls and greeting visitors. She's coordinating with the hospice nursing 

     My brother was always a talkative guy.... some might have said too talkative at times. He has his views and wasn't afraid to share them. He also was the most time generous man imaginable, an excellent carpenter, using his gift for family and friends as well as to earn a living. Both he and my SIL are very social people, with close friends going back 70+ years. You all know I have a huge extended family, and hers is large too with five siblings and nearly 20 nieces and nephews, all close like ours, no family rifts or stupid feuds. When he was still lucid, he told his daughters I'll always want to have visitors, and so he has. He seems to have a twinge of perk when a new face comes to say hi, touch his hand gently, and visit for a few minutes. 

     I read the hospice provided end of life booklet. All the information came back to my mind from nearly 14 years ago when my dad came home to complete his life in his own surroundings. I remembered the conversations he seemed to be having with my mom, who passed 20 months earlier, and with his brother and two son-in-laws that preceded him in death. Talking to those that passed before is one of the later stages of dying. I watch and listen for my brother maybe talking with my sister, who died a year after my dad or with my parents. Maybe, just maybe, a conversation with my husband. I didn't get to say a last goodbye to him as his death was so sudden and unexpected, but maybe my brother will take it to him in my place. 

     He might be days, weeks even, from that stage. Keeping him as comfortable as possible for however long he's with us is our shared mission. It's been emotionally draining, but as many of you have commented, a gift.