It's a Couples World
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| At least walking alone gives me some sense of peace. Desperate for real spring but settling for a taste. |
I need to get my taxes done. They're going to be relatively straightforward. While I could itemize, probably not worth the hassle as likely I don't have enough deductions over the standard deduction. I have one job, interest income, and filed for property tax rebate in August separately. I'm debating completing them myself, but then worry I'll miss something
But dang, the cost has gone up with the accountant and it feels like I'm just paying for reassurance. The reality is I'm now a single filer. No second income earner, no 1099 forms to add, no business deductions. No kids in college in 2024, and medical costs were pre-tax through employer. It's another gut punch in year three. I hate the thought of checking the single box, but not even the widow fits when it comes to paying taxes anymore as he was gone all of 2024.
I went bowling with the church group. Last year a single man, single woman, and another youngish widow joined. (Fall activities were all hiking, biking and I declined because of my knee). Friday night was all couples. And, all couples who apparently socialize outside of church too. I felt alone in a group of 15 people. Everyone was kind, pleasant, ...nice, like we are in Minnesota. I can't blame my experience on anyone, and the organizer mixed up the lanes so couples weren't necessarily together. It's the small talk, then gathering after bowling that's hard. Nope, no grand children to share stories about. No recent weddings. Nope, not traveling on spring break with other couples. Thank God for the pets; the only contribution to any discussion I could add.
I may join March's game night, hopefully my friend ( who's married but her husband has a lot of health issues so doesn't get out) will be open to coming as she enjoyed the last one, but if the same dynamics, might need to add this group as a decline for my own well being. I'm trying to accept my lot in this life, but don't need to willingly place myself in situations that leave me feeling empty. Even Wednesday trivia has turned into couples, and me. It had been my thing with an electric group, but dynamics changed with the addition of new comers and departure from those that rarely come on their own anymore.
My sister's get this and get me out of my house. My mom friends get this too, just friend time, but the time between getting together is months. They all have husbands, parents, and their own children to be present for. I don't want to be labeled as a widow, placed in a box, but feel like meeting others in social settings that get this strangeness, is probably my best direction. This is why Siobhan and I mesh so well and are planning a real in person meetup in November.
I'm sure divorced or never married folks understand this too. I lament because I had it, (and how unknowingly smug I probably was) the belonging, then it was suddenly gone when we should have been gearing up to enjoy it more. It's truly a couples world, at least past a certain age, and I need to find another one to live in.
Never married, no boyfriend since my 20s. No long term relationships since then. But, I understand totally what you are saying. You'll find a new world to live in, that's what you're figuring out all now. Someone asked me how I feel seeing all my friends with kids etc - I feel fine? LOL I can't just go and pick up any old man to have a kid with! I find sometimes too when folks get coupled up, they forget how hard it is to be single so that also is kind of a bummer - I totally get you!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your perspective. I think it's an odd question to ask you...how do you feel...fine is my go to answer regularly.
Delete*HUG* I understand you not wanting to feel alone in a sea of couples.
DeleteI'll have to get used to it- no alternative. I appreciate the virtual hug. Sigh.
DeleteFrom my own standpoint I think divorced people have it easier than those that lose their partners - but that's just from where I'm standing. Getting divorced is usually a choice, even if an unpleasant one on occasion, whereas losing a life partner is nobody's choice! I know what you mean about it being a couple's world though and I do feel it occasionally, even if for the most part I'm very happily alone! Thank goodness you have your sisters!
ReplyDeleteMy sister's are awesome. Two have been on a trip for two weeks and stay in touch.
DeleteYou should try something like Turbo Tax to do your own taxes. Much cheaper and they make it super easy and it walks through all the questions and scenarios. Or do a test run this year. Enter your info yourself in one of the tax programs (TaxAct and Freetaxusa are both just as good as TurboTax) and see what it comes up with and also have your CPA do it and compare the two. Most likely, with your basic one job income and interest, it's going to be very easy and they will come out the same.
ReplyDeleteI think FreetaxUSA has maximum income guidelines but I'll look at the options. Next year I go back to more complexity with SS, retirement accounts, and HSA.
Deleteit's still super easy with those tax programs. I did my mom's with all those income items and no issues. It asks all the questions if you have those tax documents to add. As far as I know, there is no income limit with FreeTaxUSA
DeleteNeither of my sons are married or part of a couple. Son 1 says he hangs out at the one local restuarant/ bar because they have decent price food and good music, couple beers is it due to not wanting a DUI. He doesn't date much.Son 2 belongs to Am Vets, VFW and Moose. Likes the food, He prefers ladies that are about 20 yrs older than him so doesn't get many dates either. When I was widow, I went by myself. Mom was single for 30 yrs, went by herself, Daddy was widower for 30 yrs. Went by himself. You might need to step out of comfort zone which is very hard. Ask preacher if there is another group that you might fit in better at this time of life.
ReplyDeleteThere's older women's groups, circles, Bible studies, and this, and it's fairly new. It's not that I can't do things alone, I want friends, and just don't want to feel alone when in groups.
DeleteI also do my own taxes. Last year a tried a free online tax preparer. This is not an ad for them but it worked well for me. I did my own tax calculations then went to "FreeTaxUSA" and did my taxes there. It came out the same. But I was able to file electronically through them. It was free to file Federal Income tax, they charge for filing State income tax. I purchased a printed copy of my completed 1040 from them for about $10. I'm going to do the same this year, since I now have to calculate income from Social Security. You could always calculate your taxes yourself and double check it with the online preparer but not actually submit and file through them. Take care, -anne.
ReplyDeleteI think my income is over the limit for Free tax USA. My daughter looked it up and she is, so I would be. I'll look at all options.
DeleteAnother vote for TurboTax. Super easy and have never had an issue with it.
ReplyDeleteI was single for 10 years between my marriages. You may have better luck finding a singles group to socialize with. Church groups in particular seem to be couples. Does your church have a singles group? I also found a weekend retreat for grief that included widowed and divorced people that really helped me. The backgrounds are different but the grief experience has some common ground.
You will find your balance eventually. Hang in there.
No singles groups and let's just say other options are geared towards those that are wanting Bible study and past 70.
DeleteI have been divorced for over 20 years. My four kids were relatively young. I get what you are saying about being the odd one out in a couple world. Virtual hugs. Cindy in the South
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say I get the financial concerns you have expressed in your posts bc I will probably be financially helping the mentally ill middle son for the rest of my life. All you can do is do your best and try not to stress and yes, there is a huge difference when on one income. Virtual hugs on that issue also bc it is a HUGE issue. None of us want to be eating cat food in our old age and living in a cardboard box and we see unfortunate folks every day who are homeless and it is so sad and scary. All we can do is try to have house and vehicle paid for when we retire and enough income for living expenses. Easier said than done. Cindy in the South
DeleteWhile I don't have to support anyone else, at least for now, there's some expenses from my husband's "estate" that are too expensive for my kids to manage, but I don't want them forced to liquidate their share. I put towards those costs each month and plan to while they need the help.
DeleteSending a hug. I'm not sure what else to say :(
ReplyDeleteI do our taxes using taxact. It is fairly easy to do. I've been doing it that way for years.
It's been a little more Spring-y here in Michigan this week. I can't wait to see some colour on the trees. I did hear my first Red-winged Blackbird today which usually means spring is on its way.
We had a good taste of coming spring, plus all the muck this week.
DeleteYet another TurboTax user here. I do rough it out by hand first, just as a check. TurboTax is easy and catches my mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI've lived alone since leaving my parents house. Most of my friends are also single, though my closest friend is married. She and her husband rarely do couples things (few common interests), though they are happy this way. Still, being single isn't always easy for going out or socializing. It definitely is a couples world. I do go out alone, but sometimes it's very uncomfortable, especially at restaurants. I take a book as my date.
My mom friends get together non couples but they are all so busy. I'm the only one without parents and remember how elder care needs stretch free time.
DeleteI do know, while not through widowhood, the feeling of being the odd one out, and feeling that those on the inside had a “smugness” about them.
ReplyDeleteThe one constant in life is change, though. You are a widow, that won’t change, but you don’t have to let others’ concept of the word define you, and paint you in a box. It’s just that it takes time, lots of time for us to define ourselves. And that definition is fluid. Know that were I nearby, I would take my reclusive self to your house (or vice versa) for things like wine, a rousing game of Scrabble, and Jeopardy viewing party. I know grief. In the beginning, in the immediate aftermath, during the shock, the phone almost won’t stop ringing. It’s the silence after, both actual and metaphorical, that really bites, at least for me.
In any case, I am so excited for your trip!!!! If you care to share, I would love to know what sights you two have planned!
-Meg B.
I think we'll be open to sharing during the planning, the plan, and the post trip results. I can't imagine the pain you experienced, and why I try to give my MIL grace, even when it's at my own expense. Yeah, just thinking about one of his friends and wife who were great early about checking in, then more like a call or text a month, then months went by. I haven't heard from them since August, right before my surgery. But then, I haven't reached out either. I think they knew I felt like the odd man out, so I guess will wait until I connect if I think I need them.
DeleteI am sorry.
ReplyDeleteYour UK trip sounds exciting, and I'm glad you will have a meetup with someone who understands.
Are there some activities that aren't geared toward couples at church?
Our local university has a lifelong learning institute for folks 50+. Some interesting classes, learning about wines and various cooking classes, books and painting and such. Just a thought, but I thought they sounded fun.