Sleepless Saturday Morning

      It's a much too early Saturday morning that followed a Friday that left me exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch after dealing with lots of texting family pings, and my daughter playing a video game. My world is both spinning faster than my brain can absorb, and I personally have a need to figure out order. It's easy to say  just step away and let others figure out the outcome of their decisions, but much more difficult to implement. Waves roll into my life, crashing any semblance of the neat sand castles I'm trying to build. 

    It was an all day thing yesterday work and personal invading what was supposed to be my day off. Fat chance in the next five months to really have a day off, plus work has to be picked up this weekend to prepare for a 9:00 meeting. I rarely turn off notifications and put phone on DND, a throw back from missing calls and texts the night my husband died, but I had to at the clinic as I needed to concentrate. 

     I had my knee appointment and decided on one last cortisone shot before meeting with the joint care specialist. Others have asked about the gel like therapy. That's been ruled out as ineffective for me based on both the level of  internal damage to my knee and the scope of my arthritis. A total knee replacement is the best option. That can't happen for at least three months post knee pain shot. I'm not getting the three month relief they want to see, more like a month with less pain, then it gradually gets back to peak by six weeks. July at work will be a complete cluster f&$#, so can't schedule time off, so looking like mid- late August. I don't want to go later, because with a 6-12 week recovery, I don't want to be unstable when snow and ice starts. Plus, fall/ autumn is my favorite time of year, so I figure I'll be motivated to follow physical therapy to a T and be able to get out in nature. 

     At about 7:00 p.m., my husband's sister sends a text with specific dates, for a full family vacation my MIL wants to generously take the family on. She wants to rent a big, big, house on or near a beach. This is my worst nightmare- 5-6 days without my husband with his family, even if all my kids could go. No house could be big enough, short of a true mansion, and then likely just a couple cars so I'd feel trapped. I understand her wanting another big trip while she feels healthy enough, with her family, but I just don't think I can emotionally do it. The knee was my easy out, but now  new dates are flying even past Christmas. What's funny, with the second cabin, the garage sleeping loft, she could just request everyone join her the same week at the existing family cabin. Yes, not an ocean beach, but wouldn't it accomplish the same? Plus, we'd all have cars and an escape hatch as needed. 

     I sent my sister-in-law a separate text, trying to explain it was very kind and generous, but wouldn't work for me. She wants to connect today. Oh, brother. Maybe it's because the husband of his sister that passed away young, remarried soon when he was still young, they don't impose "family" on him. It's almost like they all both expect me to move on from their son/ brother's death, while still having to meet his families expectations. It's a lot to process. 

     Today though, I'm taking my MIL out for lunch-see, I'm not avoiding her. I'm on pet duty this a.m., last medication day for the kitten. Then, the rest of day will be purging  particular areas of the house, preparing for another big change. I'm bringing au gratin hash brown potatoes and the hash browns squares for Easter brunch. I'll have most of tomorrow as well for prepping and purging, plus get that work report completed. No all day Easter celebration, though I hope park and yards aren't too snow covered and muddy. I like seeing various Easter Egg hunts in the neighborhood. 

     It's almost proper morning now, but I'm going to try and get another hour's sleep. Who knows what monkeys will be performing in my circus while I try to fall asleep. 


Comments

  1. Limits and structure; structure and limits - especially with well-intended in-laws. Good luck.

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    1. I know, but the response is that I'm being a ridiculous human or pathetic. I don't know me being thought of either way, whether in my head or real.

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  2. A gentle reminder that 'no' is a complete sentence. Why oh why are women expected to hold up husband's family??? It's crazy making. I have little to nothing to do with my in-laws. Not my circus. YOU matter so much more than their expectations.

    Hugs to you. Hope you got a great nap!

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    1. It should be enough. I've tried the no thank you, it's not going to work. Then I get follow up texts that they're looking at other dates.

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  3. I'm sorry about the knee pain, and I hope the shot helps a little. Hope you are able to schedule the knee surgery, so that you will be able to enjoy fall.
    Sorry about the work and inlaw stress. It is impossible to make everybody happy, so do what you need to do for your own sanity. Maybe a day or two at the family cabin if your children are able to go, but only if you would enjoy it too. Sending hugs.

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    1. I'm definitely not making anyone happy right now, including myself.

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  4. Echoing the other posters. I'm so sorry for the stress it's putting you through. I'd say offer up a few days at the family cabin with your kids (if they can make it) as an alternative, if you'd like. The full trip would be a no for me.

    Hope your get some relief for your knee, and that work improves! (Hawaii Planner)

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    1. We will have days at the cabin. I am happy fory MIL if she can take a trip with those it works for. I just don't think she should factor costs for me, when clearly I'd only go out of obligation, loaded with anxiety.

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  5. Are they trying to be kind by including you and for you to follow their agenda? Do they know how much it hurts you? Do they think this helps you? Is there any way to express to them how much this all hurts you? Okay, maybe you could schedule another surgery to get out of this...lol. Sorry, but it seems to be a bit of a necessity to avoid all this from his family.

    I was glad that there was no rain today so egg hunts could happen. I cannot imagine dealing with snow.

    It is painful to be awake too early after a hard day. I always hope for a nap. I would not be able to sleep with pings that I thought I needed to answer. Hopefully, you get much needed sleep today.

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    1. I know there is no ill intent, and she's being generous and thinks of me still as family. It's just her wanting a trip with her family. She likes to think all is well and we should all just move on. There is just no awareness that every interaction with them is painful as she's never had to experience this linkage to in-laws past her husband's death.

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  6. I know your in-laws have always been overbearing or at least over-reaching and not a good fit for your personality. Do what you need to do to preserve your sanity when dealing with them.
    As for the knee replacement-my advise is to do it as soon as possible! Work deadlines, commitments be damned. You'll be a better employee, mother, sibling, etc. once you aren't in pain or worried about your mobility. Just make sure after the surgery you have support(if not a kid, then you'll need a rehab facility for a few days at least)until you are literally back on your feet.
    If you want to call me about what all is involved in a TKR feel free to do so. I found great comfort in hearing from/advise from folks who have gone through that procedure.
    Going through mental/emotional turmoil with correctable physical pain as a cherry on top is no way to live.

    Be well. 8-)

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    1. That is true. I wasn't that keen on the Alaska trip as a whole family but husband and kids were on board, so I went along with them and it would be something my MIL really wanted. A cruise also has nonstop activities, and opportunity to gather but also seperate. I get anxious by day two at the cabin when all are there, can't imagine with no car and no control over the agenda. As for the knee, no disrespect, but when you rely on your job for livelihood, I do have to consider the timing. My worry would be horrible for recovery, if I left things in disaray. I have both the kids and siblings so will be in good hands.

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    2. Got it. But do reach out to someone you know who has had a TKR or as many as you can. Everyone has a different time of it but going in forewarned is key. I am sure you'll figure out the right time but also get in with an ortho surgeon asap(or at least let them know you are seriously mulling surgery over since the wait times to get on the schedule make slip up your preferred timing of the TKR). I had to wait once I decided to go forward with surgery for 8 months. I am sure timing from saying yes to surgery until it happens varies from state to state, surgeon to surgeon, etc. but it wouldn't hurt to get that ball rolling as soon as possible. ;-) I'm here if you need me to listen.....

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  7. Replies
    1. It's kind and generous but not a good thing for me.

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  8. I would say no if I didn’t want to go. Your needs and mental health are important and how you grieve is your business not their business. Hugs . Cindy in the South

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    1. I don't and did talk to my MIL directly. While she may not agree with my rationale, I think she at least didn't try to push this time like she did about Christmas.

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  9. I'm having TKR April 16!
    The sooner the better. Will let you know how it goes!
    Happy Easter.

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    1. Good luck. I will take everyone's advice to learn everything before and after.

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  10. Your bathroom and bedroom are upstairs, right? Or is the bedroom downstairs? I worry about the stairs. I did get a bedside commode when I had knee surgery. Insurance will provide that. By the way, never get rid of walker or cane or bedside commode! I did and in a few years needed all again. Now, I have a collection of things insurance won't provide again. I hope never to use the aids, but who knows?

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    1. My understanding is they want movement pretty much immediately. It's 7 steps up, wide, so not really a risk. My sister has offered as well to let me stay at her place for the initial recovery, main level living. Plus my daughter has a bathroom on main floor and we could improvise a temporary sleeping accomodations on her main floor for the first few days or weeks even. I have options.

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  11. I am going to offer an alternative view of your in-laws inclusion for the beach trip.
    My husbands brother was married to our sister in law for over 20 years when he died. She met and married a man she met in a grief group a couple of years later. We all went to the wedding and welcomed him and his son into the family. I have never thought of her as anything but a sister in law I love. And honestly I always thought of him as another brother in law.
    Recently her second husband died and our whole family was at his funeral. Several of her friends thought it was odd that her "former in laws" were there but she told them we were her family and she would be shocked and offended if we had not gone.
    Maybe your in-laws feel the same about you as we do about our "N".

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    1. I will always see them as family, and I appreciate that they do me as well. Appreciating and knowing you're still family is different than wanting a weeks vacation with them in the same house. His sister and brother are very overwhelming people, in your face literally. There's way too much "opinions" especially when the alcohol is flowing.

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    2. The alcohol would be stopper for me. I just cannot deal with people who drink more than they probably should. Usually they lose track of *my* boundries.
      MaryB

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  12. As someone above said, no is a complete sentence. I think I would be honest and say that you find large groups of people overwhelming, so thank you so much but no thanks. It gets easier with time and practice! If it's a choice between going and being miserable, or saying no and feeling like you've offended people, I'd stick with offending people as your mental health is more important! You could always point out that you find your own family overwhelming in large numbers too!

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    1. That is what I told my MIL. I reiterated that I thought it was generous and kind, but would be very difficult for me. I kept it on me, and what was needed.

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  13. I've written several times on my blog about my total hip replacement at the age of 39 and how it changed my life. If the orthopaedic consultant thinks you're an appropriate candidate I'd say to hell with work and get it done.
    Not this time. It's really sweet of you to invite me but I'm going to have to say no, maybe next year! xxx

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    1. Well, I need to be able to eat and pay bills, so work is a consideration, but I hear you. Yes, I did take an honest and appreciative tone with her when I declined. For my kids, I can't see it working for my older daughter. She's not able to handle large groups for more than a few hours socially- never could, and would need a private place to regroup. They all need to make their own decisions . overwhelming nature of her aunt and uncle are big no's for her, and she's been on the receiving end of in your face confrontations. The other two have precarious employment situations so will find it hard to committ this far out. They all will make their own decisions and if it works, I'll be happy for them.

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  14. Reading your Yes/No post and then this, just a gentle reminder that it's okay to say no and mean it. Hugs.

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    1. I think, no thank you, for me,is the right answer. It is a kind thing she wants to do and experience.

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  15. We still celebrate holidays with my ex's family and have for years. They are family after all. You'll know what is the right thing for you to do. I did the gel therapy on my knee too and it did nothing for my pain. The cortisone shots work much better for me.

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    1. I'm not skipping holidays, but the length of time for me has been stressful even when my husband was alive. I'd keep with the shots if they were helping as hoped, but unfortunately not enough relief.

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  16. The only thing I was thinking about with you on a different level as the bathroom was the pain meds. I was barely able to walk on the flat floor without tackling stairs when I needed to go to the bathroom. I even keeled right over from a standing still position holding onto a walker. At that moment, I quit taking pain pills! I was not dizzy or weak, just found myself falling. Staying at your daughter's would probably be best for the first few days. I fell sideways, so did not damage the knee.

    Maybe the 'it's me, not you' approach will sink in with the in-laws. The opining while drinking would not be something I could handle.

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    1. I could stay on my top floor- plenty of room and not deal with steps for bathroom once I'm home until ready. Plus, have the other two options. I appreciate your perspective having been through it, so will take it to heart. Your feedback and Sluggy's is important to read.

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  17. It's lovely to find that you are blogging again, and I'm glad you seem to have resolved the issue of the family holiday with your mother in law. I have a lot of reading back to do. Xx

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  18. I hope your in-laws can be understanding, if not I am glad you're able to say no it isn't for you. I work for an orthopedic surgeon, and I tell folks if they recommend it, they mean it. You can do cortisone for a long time, but after a while surgery is probably best. Continue to exercise, esp do knee exercises as they help so much with post op recovery. Once you know you're looking to surgery, ask your girls or a friend or two if they can help post op with driving etc. Here in Ontario, our patients get 2 sessions per week for 4 weeks post op - they also at my hosptial, consider it a same day surgery - they send most folks right home. Below is the link for patients who have surgery at my local hospital get - they have an information session, booklets etc.

    Prepare as much as you can before surgery - prep meals, get your devices (they recommend a two wheeled walker - you can get it 2nd hand off Facebook!) figure out how many appointments you'll have post surgery (8 for physio, some for follow up for example - and see how you can arrange rides to and fro) there is so much you can do to easily prepare. I would like to think wherever you have it done, has an established program in place as well.

    https://www.shn.ca/areas-of-care/surgery/hip-and-knee-replacement-education/

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  19. It might be worth giving the Keto diet a shot to see if that helps with the knee. I had a disastrous hip replacement and it looked as though my second hip was going the same way. Terrible pain meant I struggled to walk. Within a week on keto all pain had gone. You've nothing to lose by trying it. Have a look at Ken Berry on YouTube

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