Sleepless Saturday Morning

      It's a much too early Saturday morning that followed a Friday that left me exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch after dealing with lots of texting family pings, and my daughter playing a video game. My world is both spinning faster than my brain can absorb, and I personally have a need to figure out order. It's easy to say  just step away and let others figure out the outcome of their decisions, but much more difficult to implement. Waves roll into my life, crashing any semblance of the neat sand castles I'm trying to build. 

    It was an all day thing yesterday work and personal invading what was supposed to be my day off. Fat chance in the next five months to really have a day off, plus work has to be picked up this weekend to prepare for a 9:00 meeting. I rarely turn off notifications and put phone on DND, a throw back from missing calls and texts the night my husband died, but I had to at the clinic as I needed to concentrate. 

     I had my knee appointment and decided on one last cortisone shot before meeting with the joint care specialist. Others have asked about the gel like therapy. That's been ruled out as ineffective for me based on both the level of  internal damage to my knee and the scope of my arthritis. A total knee replacement is the best option. That can't happen for at least three months post knee pain shot. I'm not getting the three month relief they want to see, more like a month with less pain, then it gradually gets back to peak by six weeks. July at work will be a complete cluster f&$#, so can't schedule time off, so looking like mid- late August. I don't want to go later, because with a 6-12 week recovery, I don't want to be unstable when snow and ice starts. Plus, fall/ autumn is my favorite time of year, so I figure I'll be motivated to follow physical therapy to a T and be able to get out in nature. 

     At about 7:00 p.m., my husband's sister sends a text with specific dates, for a full family vacation my MIL wants to generously take the family on. She wants to rent a big, big, house on or near a beach. This is my worst nightmare- 5-6 days without my husband with his family, even if all my kids could go. No house could be big enough, short of a true mansion, and then likely just a couple cars so I'd feel trapped. I understand her wanting another big trip while she feels healthy enough, with her family, but I just don't think I can emotionally do it. The knee was my easy out, but now  new dates are flying even past Christmas. What's funny, with the second cabin, the garage sleeping loft, she could just request everyone join her the same week at the existing family cabin. Yes, not an ocean beach, but wouldn't it accomplish the same? Plus, we'd all have cars and an escape hatch as needed. 

     I sent my sister-in-law a separate text, trying to explain it was very kind and generous, but wouldn't work for me. She wants to connect today. Oh, brother. Maybe it's because the husband of his sister that passed away young, remarried soon when he was still young, they don't impose "family" on him. It's almost like they all both expect me to move on from their son/ brother's death, while still having to meet his families expectations. It's a lot to process. 

     Today though, I'm taking my MIL out for lunch-see, I'm not avoiding her. I'm on pet duty this a.m., last medication day for the kitten. Then, the rest of day will be purging  particular areas of the house, preparing for another big change. I'm bringing au gratin hash brown potatoes and the hash browns squares for Easter brunch. I'll have most of tomorrow as well for prepping and purging, plus get that work report completed. No all day Easter celebration, though I hope park and yards aren't too snow covered and muddy. I like seeing various Easter Egg hunts in the neighborhood. 

     It's almost proper morning now, but I'm going to try and get another hour's sleep. Who knows what monkeys will be performing in my circus while I try to fall asleep.