Moving "On"

     

     I commented to someone on Mondays post  I think I'll pretty much be nothing more than an invited guest to perhaps graduation, wedding, or extended family anniversary party's on my husband's side. I'm ok with that as it feels with each thing that comes up, there might be a touch more realization that if I'm expected to just keep moving onward, that means moving from previous obligations and expectations too. I had little work to do with my MILs party. I wasn't asked to help plan, add to the invite list, or really do anything but arrive a bit early wearing a shade of blue for a picture. I offered to get the cake so that was the extent of pre work. We of course helped clean up and I sent a decent check to cover a portion of the food, drink, and venue, but was not asked to, but seemed like I should on behalf of my family.

     I spoke up that I'm going to pass on the fall birthday get together. The only reason an August and fall get together for birthdays happened was to align with the parents birthdays. They don't hold a winter gathering for his brother, though when he was young, before sister died, his mom just had dinner at their house for each of their birthdays. I think it's weird having annual extended family parties for adults, but SIL likes to celebrate her birthday (hers is just five days before mine and SILs is October) so it stayed after his dad passed away. I'm also opting out of Christmas gift exchange. I'll probably come either for lunch and leave after visiting a bit, or later after gifting is done. I did two Christmas's the same way they were when my husband was alive (though left earlier than in the past), but now, it's time to spend the day how it's meaningful to me. 

     I've not made these decisions to be rude or spiteful, more the opposite. I want my time with his family to be comfortable and genuine. These gatherings have felt forced and I've felt fragile.  After several years being a widow, I no longer feel obligated to partake in traditions of a family when the person that tethered me to that family, is not here. My kids can decide what works for them, but also should guilt free decide differently, because their lives are different too. 

     My brother's wife has already been able to set her own boundaries, join if it works and she wants to be there, but pass if not. Maybe as she has a very large family herself, plus her own children and nine grandchildren, she has a more natural "out". I'd like to think it's that no one will put assumptions or the dreaded shoulds that she and her kids will be there, while continuing to invite to all and let her decide.